The Wisdom of the Enneagram
THE WISDOM OF THE ENNEARGRAM
The Complete Guide to the Psychological and Spiritual Growth of the Nine Personality Types
by Don Riso and Russ Hudson
Preface
In understanding ourselves, our relationships, our spiritual growth, and many other important issues, we will see that type—not gender, not culture, and not generational differences—is the crucial factor.
We believe that awareness of personality types is needed in many areas—in education, the sciences, business, the humanities, and therapy—and, above all, in spirituality and transformational work. While our restless yearnings may be universal, how they are expressed is much more particular and is, in fact, a function of the “filter” with which we approach life.
PART 1 THE INWARD JOURNEY
CHAPTER 1: IDENTIFYING YOUR PERSONAL TYPE
The word Enneagram comes from the Greek for “nine”—ennea and “figure”—grammos; thus, it is a “nine-pointed figure.”
By helping us see how trapped we are in our trances and how estranged we are from our Essential nature, the Enneagram invites us to look deeply into the mystery of our true identity.
The more we see the mechanical reaction of our personality, the less identified with them we become and the more freedom we have.
CHAPTER 2: ANCIENT ROOTS, MODERN INSIGHTS
The Enneagram symbol is ancient, dating back some 2,500 years or more.
The theories underlying the diagram can be found in the ideas of Pythagoras, Plato, and some of the Neoplatonic philosophers. In any case, it is clearly a pat of the Western tradition that gave rise to Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, as well as Hermetic and Gnostic philosophy, aspects of which can be found in all three of these great prophetic religions.
The Enneagram taught by Gurdjieff was therefore primarily a model of natural processes, not a psychological typology. The types of the feeling triad present us with three different solutions to this dilemma:
The Enneagram symbol has three parts that represent three Divine laws, which govern all of existence. The first of these is the circle, a universal mandala…The circle refers to unity, wholeness, and oneness and symbolizes the idea that God Is One.
The next symbol, the triangle. Traditionally, in Christianity, this refers to the Trinity of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We can also see reflections of the trinitarian idea in other religions: the Buddhist talk about Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha, the Hindus talk about Vishnu, Brahma, and Shiva, and the Taoists talk about Heaven, Earth and Man.
Quite strikingly almost all of the major world religions teach that the universe is a manifestation not of duality, as much as Western logic teaches, but of trinity.
“the Law of Three”…protons, electrons, and neutrons…the strong force, the weak force, and electromagnetism.
The third part of this triple symbol is the hexad (the figure tracing the numbers, 1-4-2-8-5-7). This figure symbolizes what Gurdjieff called “the law of Seven,” which has to do with process and development over time. It states that nothing is static; everything is moving…The days of the week, the Periodic Table, and the Western musical octave are all based on the Law of Seven.
The Enneagram is a symbol that shows the wholeness of a thing (the circle), how its identity is the result of the interaction of three forces (the triangle), and how it evolves or changes over time (the hexad).
CHAPTER 3: ESSENCE AND PERSONALITY
Our personalities are no more than the familiar, conditioned parts of a much wider range of potentials that we all possess.
When we talk about Essence, we mean it in the literal sense of the word—what we fundamentally are, our Essential self, the grounding of Being in us.
The fundamental ground of our Being is Essence or Spirit, but it takes a dynamic form we call “the soul.” Our personality is a particular aspect of our soul. Our soul is “made of” Essence or Spirit. If Spirit were water, soul would be a particular lake or river, and personality would be waves on its surface—or frozen chunks of ice in the river.
The Enneagram does not put us in a box, it shows us the box we are already in—and the way out.
Psychological integration and spiritual realization are not separate processes.
Our personalities draw upon the capacities of our inborn temperament to develop defenses and compensation for where we have been hurt in childhood.
Each of us therefore has become an “expert” at a particular form of coping which, if used excessively, also becomes the core of the dysfunctional area of our personality.
The personality becomes the source of our identity rather than contact with our Being.
Our personality is not “bad.” Our personality is an important part of our development and is necessary for the refinement of our Essential nature.
We are not our personality. To begin to grasp this is to undergo a transformation of our sense of self.
When we stop identifying with our personality and stop defending it, a miracle happens: our Essential nature spontaneously arises and transforms us.
When we get in touch with our Essence, we do not lose our personality. It comes more transparent and flexible, something that helps us live rather than something that takes over our lives.
The Basic Fears of the Types:
1: Fear of being bad, corrupt, evil, or defective
2: Fear of being unworthy of being loved
3: Fear of being worthless or without inherent value
4: Fear of being without identity or personal significance
5: Fear of being useless, incapable, or incompetent
6: Fear of being without support or guidance
7: Fear of being deprived or trapped in pain
8: Fear of being harmed or controlled by others
9: Fear of loss of connection, of fragmentation
To compensate for the Basic Fear, a Basic Desire arises. The Basic Desire is the way that we defend against our Basic Fear in order to continue to function.
We might also call the Basic Desire the ego agenda, because it tells us what the ego self is always striving after.
the whole of our personality structure is composed of our flight from our Basic Fear and our single-minded pursuit of our Basic Desire. The entire feeling-tone of our personality emerges out of this dynamic, and it becomes the foundation of our sense of self.
Basic Desire and Their Distortions:
1: The desire to have integrity (deteriorates into critical perfectionism)
2: The desire to be loved (deteriorates into the need to be needed)
3: The desire to be valuable (deteriorates into chasing after success
4: The desire to be oneself (deteriorates into self indulgence)
5: The desire to be competent (deteriorates into useless specialization)
6: The desire to be secure (deteriorates into an attachment to beliefs)
7: The desire to be happy (deteriorates into frenetic escapism)
8: The desire to protect oneself (deteriorates into constant fighting)
9: The desire to be at peace (deteriorates into stubborn neglectfulness)
Our personality is like a cast that protects a broken arm or leg. The more extreme the original injuries, the more extensive the cast has to be.
When we are willing to say. “I want to be who I really am, and I want to live in the truth,” the process of recovering ourselves has already begun.
Lost Childhood Messages:
1: “You are good”
2: “You are wanted”
3: “You are loved for yourself”
4: “You are seen for who you are”
5: “Your needs are not a problem”
6: “You are safe”
7: “You will be taken care of”
8: “You will not be betrayed”
9: “Your presence matters”
even the most traumatic childhood experiences cannot damage or destroy our Essence. Our Essence is still pure and untarnished.
Our Essence is waiting for the opportunity to reveal itself. In a very true sene, we are waiting for the opportunity to become ourselves.
We always fear and resist opening to that which is most real in us. When we trust in the process and give ourselves over to it, our true nature comes forth. The result is real integrity, love, authenticity, creativity, understanding, guidance, joy, power and serenity—all of the qualities we are forever demanding that personality supply.
CHAPTER 4: CULTIVATING AWARENESS
It is vital we understand what in us is doing the “seeing.”
Awareness expands and contracts like a balloon, but identification always causes it to become smaller.
Simply put, the more identified we are, the more contracted our awareness is—and the more out of touch with reality we are.
The vital importance of Presence: it is not, and cannot be, part of our personality or its agenda.
Invitation to Abundance:
1: To live for a Higher Purpose. Remember that it is your nature to be wise and discerning.
2: To nurture yourself and others. Remember that it is your true nature to be good to yourself and to have goodwill and compassion for others.
3: To develop yourself and set an example for others. Remember that it is your nature to take pleasure in your existence and to esteem and value others.
4: To let go of the past and be renewed by your experiences. Remember that it is your true nature to be forgiving and to use everything in life for your growth and renewal.
5: To observe yourself and others without judgment or expectations. Remember that it is your true nature to be engaged with reality, contemplating the infinite riches of the world.
6: To have faith in yourself and trust in the goodness of life. Remember that it is your true nature to be courageous and capable of dealing with life under all conditions.
7: To joyously celebrate existence and share your happiness. Remember that it is your true nature to be happy and to add to the richness of experience for yourself.
8: To stand up for yourself and to speak out for what you believe. Remember that it is your true nature to be strong and capable of affecting the world in many different positive ways.
9: To bring peace and healing into your world. Remember that it is your true nature to be an inexhaustible front of serenity, acceptance, and kindness in the world.
CHAPTER 5: THE TRIADIC SELF
Types Eight, Nine, and One comprise the Instinctive Triad
Types Two, Three and Four make up the Feeling Triad
Types Five, Six and Seven are the Thinking Triad
the root brain, or instinctual brain; the limbic system, or emotional brain; and the cerebral cortex, or the thinking part of the brain.
Each of these Triads represents a range of Essential capacities or functions that have become blocked or distorted. The personality then tries to fill in the gaps where our Essence has been blocked.
In each Triad, the function in question (instinct, feeling, or thinking) is the function that the ego has most strongly formed around, and it is therefore the component of the psyche that is least able to function freely.
Our body can only exist here and now, in the present moment. This is one of the fundamental reasons why virtually all meaningful spiritual work begins with coming back to the body and becoming more grounded in it.
In The Instinctive Triad:
Concerned With: Resistance & Control of Environment
Have Issues With: Aggression & Repression
Seeks: Autonomy
Underlying Feeling: Rage
The set of internal tensions that create our unconscious sense of self is the foundation of the personality, the first layer.
While all the types Emily ego boundaries ego boundaries, the Eight, Nine and One do so for a particular reason—they are attempting to use their environment, to remake it, control it, hold it back, without having their sense of self influenced by it. To put this differently, all three of these types resist being influenced by reality in different ways. They try to create a senes of wholeness and autonomy by building a “wall” between what they consider self and not self, although where these walls are varies from type to type and from person to person.
Ego boundaries fall into two categories. The first boundary is directed outward. The second boundary is directed inward.
Directions of Ego Boundaries in the Instinctive Triad:
Eights: Energy directed outward against the environment
Ones: Energy directed inward against impulses
Nines: Energy directed against both inward and outward “threats”
In Type Eight the ego boundary is primarily focused outward, against the environment. The focus of attention is also outward. The result is an expansiveness and an outpouring of the Eight’s vitality into the world. Eights are constantly putting gout energy so that nothing can get too close and hurt them. Their whole approach to life is as if they were saying, “Nothing’s going to get the upper hand on me. No one is going to get through my defenses and hurt me. I’m going to keep my guard up.”
Type One individuals also hold a boundary against the outside world, but they are far more invested in maintaining their internal boundary…Ones expend enormous energy trying to hold back certain unconscious impulses, trying to keep them from getting into consciousness. It is as if Ones were saying to themselves, “I don’t want that feeling! I don’t want to have that reaction or that impulse!” They create a great deal of physical tension to maintain their inner boundaries and hold aspects of their own inner nature at bay.
Type Nine, the central type in the Triad (the type positioned on the equilateral triangle), tries to hold their ego boundaries in both areas, in internal and external. Nines do not want certain feelings and states to disturb their equilibrium. They put up a wall against parts of themselves just as Ones do, suppressing powerful instinctive drives and emotions. At the same time, Nines maintain a strong ego boundary against the outside world so that they all not be hurt, like Eights. They often engage in passive-aggressive behaviors and turn a blind eye to whatever threatens their peace. It is no wonder that Nines report that they often feel fatigued, because it takes tremendous amount of energy to resist reality on both “fronts.” If Nines use most of their vitality to maintain these boundaries, it is not available for living and engaging more fully in the world.
Eights tend to act out rage, Nines tend to deny it, and One’s tend to repress it.
In The Feeling Triad:
Concerned With: Love of False Self & Self Image
Have Issues With: Identity & Hostility
Seeks: Attention
Underlying Feeling: Shame
At the deepest level, your heart qualities are the source of your identity. When your heart opens, you know who you are, and that “who you are” has nothing to do with what people think of you and nothing to do with your past history. You have a particular quality, a flavor, something that is unique and intimately you. It is through the heart that we recognize and appreciate our true nature.
Thus, the three types of the Feeling Triad are primarily concerned with the development of a self-image. They compensate for a lack of deeper connection with the Essential qualities of the heart by erecting a false identity and becoming identified with it. They then present this image to others (as well as to themselves) in the hope that it will attract love, attention, approval, and a sense of value. In psychological terms, Twos, Threes, and Fours are the types most concerned with their “narcissistic wounding,” that is, with no being valued for who they really were as children.
As long as we identify with our personality, something deeper always goes unaffirmed.
The types of the Feeling Triad present us with three different solutions to this dilemma: going out to please others so that they will like you (Type Two); achieving things and becoming outstanding in someway so that people will admire and affirm you (Type Three); or or having an elaborate story about yourself and attaching tremendous significance to all of your personal characteristics (Type Four).
Focus of Self-Image in the Feeling Triad:
Twos: Self-image presented outwardly to others
Fours: Self-image presented inwardly to themselves
Threes: Self-image presented both to self and to others
Type Two is looking for value in the good regard of others. Twos want to be wanted; they try to obtain favorable reactions by giving people their energy and attention. The focus of their feelings is outward, on others, but as a result, they often have difficulty knowing what their own feelings are telling them. They also frequently feel unappreciated, although, as much as possible they must conceal the hostile feelings that this generates.
Type Four is the opposite: their energy and attention go inward to maintain a self-image based on feelings, fantasies, and stories from the past. Their personality-identity centers on being “different”, being unlike anyone else, and as a result, they often feel estranged from people. Fours tend to create and sustain moods rather than allow whatever feelings are actually present to arise.
Type Three, the central type of this Triad (the type positioned on the equilateral triangle), directs attention and energy both inward and outward. Like Twos, Threes need the positive feedback and affirmation of others. Threes primarily seek value through accomplishments; they develop notions about what a valuable person would be like, then try to become that person.
Twos are rescuers. On the opposite side of the spectrum, Fours are rescuees. Threes are paragons who do not need rescuing…all three of these types lack a proper love of self.
In The Thinking Triad:
Concerned With: Strategies & Beliefs
Have Issues With: Insecurity & Anxiety
Seeks: Security
Underlying Feeling: Fear
If the Instinctive Triad is about maintaining a felt sense and the Feeling Triad is about maintaining a personal identity, the Thinking Triad is about finding a sense of inner guidance and support.
The Instinctive Triad types are connected with resisting aspects of the present. The Feeling Triad types are all past-oriented because our self-image is built up out of memories and interpretations of the past. The Thinking Triad types are more concerned about the future…
The Thinking Triad has lost touch with the aspect of our true nature that in some spiritual traditions is called the quiet mind.
Directions of “Flight” for the Thinking Triad:
Fives: Flee inward due to fear of aspects of the outside world
Sevens: Flee outward due to fear of aspects of their inner world
Sixes: Flee inward to avoid external threats and outward to avoid internal fears
Type Five responds by retreating from life and reducing their personal needs. Fives believe that they are too frail and insubstantial to safely survive in the world. The only safe place is in their minds, so they stockpile whatever they believe will help them survive until they are ready to rejoin the world…They retreat until they can learn something or master some skill that would allow them to feel safe enough to come out of hiding.
Type Seven charges into life and appears to be afraid of nothing. Despite appearances, however, Sevens are full of fear, but not of the outside world: they are afraid of their inner world—of being trapped in emotional pain, grief, and especially feelings of anxiety. So they escape into activity and anticipation of activity.
In Type Six, the central type of this Triad (the type positioned on the equilateral triangle), attention and energy are directed both inward and outward. Sixes feel anxious inside, and so launch into external action and anticipation of the future like Sevens. But having done so, they eventually become afraid that they will make mistakes and be punished or overwhelmed by demand on them, so like Fives, they “jump back inside.” They get scared but their feelings again, and the reactive cycle continues, with anxiety causing their attention to bounce around like a Ping-Pong ball.
The Hornevian Groups indicate the social style of each type and also how each type tries to get its primary needs met. Besides the three Triads, there is another important three-times-three grouping of the types, the Hornevian Groups, which we named in honor of Karen Horney, a psychiatrist who developed Freud’s work by identifying three fundamental ways in which people attempt to solve inner conflicts. The Hornevian Groups indicated the “social style” of each type: there is an assertive style, a withdrawn style, and a compliant (to the superego, that is, “dutiful”) style.
The Assertives: Three, Seven, Eight
The Complaints: One, Two, Six
The Withdrawns: Four, Five, Nine
The assertives (Horney’s “moving against people”) include the Threes, Sevens and Eights. The assertive types are ego-oreinted and ego-expansive. They respond to stress or difficulty by building up, reinforcing, or inflating their ego. They expand their ego in the face of difficulty rather than back down, withdraw, or seek protection from others. All three of these types have issues with processing their feelings.
Sevens come into a room and subconsciously think, “Here I am, everybody! Things are going to be more lively now!” Eights subconsciously think, “Okay, I’m here. Deal with me.” These types “take over” the space and expect other to react to them. Threes, however, do not easily or naturally feel like the center because, as we have seen, they are covertly dependent on the attention of others to feel valuable. As much as possible, Threes will find subtle ways to get positive regard from others so they will feel like the center, as if to say, “Look at what I have achieved. Look at me and affirm my value.”
The complaints (Horney’s “moving toward people”) include types One, Two, and Six. These three types share a need to be of service to other people. They are the advocate, crusaders, public servants and committed workers. All three respond to difficulty and stress by consulting with their superego to find out what is the right thing to do, asking themselves, “How can I meet the demands of what others expect of me? How can I be a responsible person?”
It is important to understand that the compliant types are not necessarily compliant to other people; they are, however, highly compliant to the demands of their superego. These three types try to obey the internalized rules, principles, and dictates that they have learned from childhood. As a result, they often become authority figures themselves—especially Sixes and One. (Twos can sometimes also be authority figures, although more often by trying to be the “good parent” or a trusted adviser to others.)
When a person whose type is in the compliant group enters a room, their automatic sense of self is that of being “better than” others, although how this is expressed is usually subtle. Ones may come into the room and subconsciously think, “This is so sloppy and disorganized. If I were in charge, things would not be such a mess.”
Twos enter a room and subconsciously think, “These poor people! I wish I had time to give everyone my attention. They look troubled—they need my help!” By approaching others form the position of the “loving person” who gives their concern and service to others, Twos automatically put themselves in the superior role of being “better than” others.
Sixes are more troubled by inferiority feelings than Ones or Twos, but they get a sense of “better than” through their affiliations and social identifications. (I’m a Democrat, and we are better than Republicans!” I live in New York, which is a better city than Los Angeles.” “Nobody’s better than my team, the 49ers!”)
The withdrawns (Horney’s “moving away from people”) include types Four, Five and Nine. These types do not have much differentiation between their conscious self and their unconscious, unprocessed feelings, thoughts and impulses. Their unconscious is always welling up into consciousness through daydreams and fantasies.
All three types respond to stress by moving away from engagement with the world and into an “inner space” in their imagination. Nines withdraw into a safe and carefree Inner Sanctum, Fours withdraw into a romantic and idealized Fantasy Self, and Fives withdraw into a complex and cerebral Inner Tinker Toy. In common language, they all can “zone out” and go into their imaginations very easily. These types have problems with staying in their physicality and with getting out of their imaginations and into action.
The types in the Instinctive Triad most wanted autonomy: they sought independence, the ability to assert their own will and direct their own life.
The types in the Feeling Triad most wanted attention: to be seen and validated by their parents.
The types in the Thinking Triad most wanted security: to know that their environment was safe and stable.
The assertive types (Three, Seven and Eight) insist or demand that they get what they want. Their approach is active and direct as they go after what they believe they need.
The compliant types (One, Two and Six) all attempt to earn something by placating their superior-ego to get what they want. They do their best to be “good boys and girls” to get their needs met.
The withdrawn types (Four, Five and Nine) all withdraw to get what they want. They disengage from others to deal with their needs.
The Instinctive Triad: The Eight demands autonomy, the Nine withdraws to gain autonomy (to have their own space), and the One attempts to earn autonomy (feeling that is they are perfect, others will not interfere with them).
The Feeling Triad: The Two, a compliant type, tries to earn attention (serving and doing thoughtful things for others). The Three, being an assertive type, demands attention (doing whatever wins recognition and attention), and the Four, a withdrawn type, withdraws for attention (in the hope that someone will come to discover them).
The Thinking Triad: The Five withdraws for security (“I will be safe if I stay away from others”), the Six tries to earn security (“I will be safe if I do what is expected of me”), and the Seven demands security (“I am going after whatever I need to feel secure”).
The Harmonic Groups are useful for transformational work because they indicate how each person copes when they do not get what they want. Thus they reveal the fundamental way that our personality defends against loss and disappointment.
The Positive Outlook Group: is composed of types Nine, Two, and Seven. All three respond to conflict and difficulty by adopting a “positive attitude,” reframing disappointment in some positive way. They want to emphasize the uplifting aspects of life and to look at the robing side of things. These types are morale-builders who enjoy helping other people feel good because they want to stay feeling good themselves (“I don’t have a problem”).
These types have difficulty facing the dark side of themselves; they do not want to look at anything painful or negative in themselves. Also, depending on the type, each has trouble balancing their own needs with the needs of others. Two focus primarily on the needs of others, Sevens focus primarily on their own needs, and Nines try to focus on both, although often with the result that they have trouble adequately fulfilling either.
The Competency Group: is composed of Three, One and Five. These people have learned to deal with difficulty by putting aside their personal feelings and striving to be objective, effective, and competent. They put their subjective needs and feelings on the back burner; they try to solve problems logically and expect others to do the same.
These three types have issues related to working within the confines of a structure or a system. (“How do I function within a system? Can I use it to my advantage? Will it hamper me from doing what I want to do?”) The types’ attitude toward systems evolved from their relationship with their families. These types are not sure how much they want to give themselves over to the values of the system, and how much they want to withhold themselves from it. Ones operate inside the rules, following them so well that no one would dare question their integrity. By contrast, Fives tend to operate outside of the rules. Threes want to play it both ways, having the benefit of the rules and structure while not having the restrictions.
The Reactive Group: is composed of types Six, Four, and Eight. These types react emotionally to conflicts and problems and have difficulties knowing how much to trust people: “I need you to know how I feel about this.” When problems arise, these types look for an emotional response from others that mirrors their concern. The types in this group have strong likes and dislikes. If there is a problem, others are going to hear about it. In conflicts, they need to deal with their feelings first, and usually once they are able to do so, things can blow over fairly quickly and permanently. If they are not able to vent their feelings, however, the types can become increasingly resentful and vindictive.
The Reactive Group types also have difficulty balancing their need for independence and self-determination with their need to be nurtured and supported by others. They simultaneously trust and distrust others: to accept the support and affection of other is a deep desire for these types, but to do so feels like losing control of themselves and of their circumstances. They fear being betrayed and need feedback from people in order to know where others stand toward them. They are either looking for advice and direction (“parenting”) or defying it (rebelling). Subconsciously, Fours want to be parented, whereas Eights want to play the role of parent and provider. Sixes want it both ways, sometimes being the parent, sometimes being parented by someone else.
CHAPTER 6: DYNAMICS AND VARIATIONS
The Instinctual Variants indicate which of our basic instincts have been most distorted in childhood, resulting in characteristic preoccupations and behaviors throughout the entire range of the personality type.
There are three Instinctual Variants for each type, indicating the different areas of life in which each type’s particular concerns will be focused.
The three instincts can be ranked like the layers of a cake with the most dominant instinct on the top layer, another in the middle, and the least powerful instinct on the bottom.
The Instinctual Variants are based on three primary instincts that motivate human behavior: the Self-Preservation Instinct, the Social Instinct, and the Sexual Instinct. Thus, each Enneagram type has three variations based on the three possible dominant instincts.
A person can therefore be described as a combination of a basic type, and a dominant Instinctual Variant.
Six variations for each type, with a total of fifty-four major variations in the entire Enneagram.
The Instinctual Variants play a pivotal role in relationships. People of the same Variant tend to share values and to understand each other, whereas couples of different Variants will tend to have more conflicts because their fundamental values are so different.
The Self-Preservation Variant
The Self-Preservation types are preoccupied with getting and maintaining physical safety and comfort, which often translates into concerns about food, clothing, money, housing, and physical health. These issues are their main priority, and in pursuing them, other areas of their live may suffer.
For example, we might identify this Instinctual Variant in ourselves or others by observing what a person would first notice on entering a room. Self-Preservation types tend to focus on the comfort of the environment. Does the environment support their sense of well-being? They are quick to notice and respond to poor lighting, or uncomfortable chairs, or to be dissatisfied with the room temperature, and they are constantly adjusting these things. They may wonder when their next meal or coffee break will come, worry if there will be enough food, or if it will be the kind they like, or if it will meet their dietary requirements.
Less healthy Self-Preservation types let themselves go physically, or they become obsessive about health and food matters, or both. Further, their normal practicality and financial sense may become distorted, resulting in problems with money and organizing their affairs. If the Self-Preservation instinct becomes completely overwhelmed by personality issues, individuals may engage in deliberately self-destructive behavior, in which the instinct has the effect of turning against itself.
When the other two instincts dominate in an individual and the Self-Preservation instinct is the least developed, attending to the basics of life does not come naturally. It will not always occur to such individuals that they need to eat or sleep properly. Environmental factors will be relatively insignificant, and they will then to lack the drive to accumulate wealth or property—or even to care about such matters. Time and resource management will typically be neglected, often with seriously detrimental effects to their own careers, social life, and material well-being.
The Social Variant
People who have a dominant Social instinct are preoccupied with being accepted and necessary in their world. They are concerned with maintaining the sense of value they get from participating in activities with others, be they family, group, community, national, or global activities. Social types like to feel involved, and they enjoy interacting with others for common purposes. On entering a room, Social types would be immediately aware of the power structures and subtle “politics” between the different people and groups.
We could say the the Social instinct is a kind of contextual intelligence: it gives us the ability to see our efforts and their effects in a broader context. As will all of the instincts, if the person becomes unhealthy, the instinct manifests as its opposite.
The Sexual Variant
It is good to remember that the personality of the Sexual Variant tend to have recurrent problems in the areas of intimate relationships.
There is a constant search for connection and an attraction to intense experiences—not only sexual experiences but any situation that promises a similar charge. In all things, Sexual types seek intense contact. They are the “intimacy junkies” of the Instinctual Variants.
When they are unhealthy, Sexual types can experience a scattering of their attention and a profound lack of focus. They may act out in sexual promiscuity or become trapped in a fearful, dysfunctional attitude toward sex and intimacy. When the latter becomes their orientation, they will be equally intense about their avoidance.
The Structure of the Levels
Each types has three main ranges: healthy, average, and unhealthy, with three Levels within each of those ranges.
The Bandwidth
While our basic type does not change, the Level at which we are operating changes all the time.
The Wake-Up Call
The Wake-up Call serves as an indicator that we are moving from the healthy range of our type to the more fixated average range. This is a clue that we are becoming more identified with our ego and that conflicts and other problems are sure to arise.
The Wake-Up Calls
1: Feeling a sense of personal obligation to fix everything themselves
2: Believing that they must go out to others to win them over
3: Beginning to drive themselves for status and attention
4: Holding on to and intensifying feelings through the imagination
5:Withdrawing from reality into concepts and mental works
6: Becoming dependent on something outside the self for guidance
7: Feeling that something better is available somewhere else
8: Feeling that they must push and struggle to make things happen
9: Outwardly accommodating themselves to others
The Social Role
Once we enter the average range, we increasingly feel that we need to be a certain way and we need other people to respond to us as being that way. We are much more dependent on the particular coping mechanism of our type.
How Each Type Manipulates Others
1: By correcting others—by insisting that others share their standards
2: By finding out other’s needs and desires—thus creating dependencies
3: By charming others—and by adopting whatever image will “work”
4: By being temperamental—and making others “walk on eggshells”
5: By staying preoccupied—and by detaching emotionally from others
6: By complaining—and by testing others’ commitment to them
7: By distracting others—and by insisting that others meet their demands
8: By dominating others—and by demanding that others do as they say
9: By “checking out”—and by passive-aggressively resisting others
The Leaden Rule
Opposite of the more famous Golden Rule, the Leaden Rules states, “Do unto others what you most fear having done unto you.
The Leaden Rule For the Types
1: Fearing that they may be evil, corrupt, or defective in some way, Ones point out evil, corruption, and defectiveness in others.
2: Fearing that they are unwanted and unloved, Twos make others feel unworthy of their love, generosity, or attention.
3: Fearing that they are worthless and without value in themselves, Threes make others feel valueless by treating them arrogantly or with contempt.
4: Fearing that they do not have an identity or any personal significance of their own, Fours treat people disdainfully, as if others were “nobodies” and had no value or significance.
5: Fearing that they are helpless, incapable, and incompetent, Fives make other feel helpless, incompetent, stupid, and incapable.
6: Fearing that they are without support or guidance, Sixes undermine the support systems of others, trying to isolate them in some fashion.
7: Fearing that they are trapped in pain and deprivation of some sort, Sevens cause pain and make others feel deprived in various ways.
8: Fearing that they will be harmed or controlled by others, Eights make others fear that they will be harmed or controlled by their belligerent and intimidating threats.
9: Fearing that they will suffer loss of connection with others, Nines make others feel that they have lost connection with the Nine by “tuning out” people in various ways.
The Red Flag
Before each types moves into the unhealthy range, each encounters what we call the Red Flag fear. If the Wake-Up Call was an invitation to awaken before the person moved deeper into the average Levels and into fixation and increasing “sleep,” the Red Flag is a far more serious alarm that signals an imminent crisis.
The Red Flag Fears
1: That their ideals are actually wrong and counterproductive
2: That they are driving friends and loved ones away
3: That they are failing, that their claims are empty and fraudulent
4: That they are ruining their lives and wasting their opportunities
5: That they are never going to find a place in the world or with people
6: That their own actions have harmed their security
7: That their activities are bringing them pain and unhappiness
8: That others are turning against them and will retaliate
9: That they will be forced by reality to deal with their problems
The Directions of Integration and Disintegration help us recognize whether we are progressing or regressing in our development. Integration gives us objective markers of our growth. Disintegration shows us how we act out under stress, what our unconscious motivations and behaviors are, and what qualities we most need to integrate.
The movement in the Direction of Disintegration is just another survival mechanism. The Direction of Disintegration is thus a way of allowing some pressure to ventilate.
The Direction of Disintegration (With Reversal)
1: Methodical Ones suddenly become moody and irrational at Four
2: Needy Twos suddenly become aggressive and dominating at Eight
3: Driven Threes suddenly become disengaged and apathetic at Nine
4: Aloof Fours suddenly become over involved and clinging at Two
5: Detached Fives suddenly become hyperactive and scattered at Seven
6: Dutiful Sixes suddenly become competitive and arrogant at Three
7: Scattered Sevens suddenly become perfectionistic and critical at One
8: Self-confident Eights suddenly become secretive and fearful at Five
9: Complacent Nines suddenly become anxious and worried at Six
The Direction of Disintegration is unconscious and compulsive; it is the ego’s way of automatically compensating for imbalances in our psyches. Transformation in the Direction of Integration is another matter, however because moving in the Direction of Integration requires conscious choice. When we are on the path of Integration, we are saying to ourselves, “I want to show up in my life more fully. I want to let go of my old stories and habits. I am willing to be with the trust of whatever I learn about myself. No matter what I feel, and no matter what I find, I want to be free and really alive.”
The Direction of Integration
1: Angry, critical Ones become more spontaneous and joyful, like healthy Sevens
2: Prideful, self-deceptive Twos become more self-nurturing and emotionally aware, like healthy Fours.
3: Vain, deceitful Threes become more cooperative and committed to others, like healthy Sixes
4: Envious, emotionally turbulent Fours become more objective and principled, like healthy Ones
5: Avaricious, detached Fives become more self-confident and decisive, like healthy Eights
6: Fearful, pessimistic Sixes become more relaxed and optimistic, like healthy Nines
7: Gluttonous, scattered sevens become more focused and profound, like healthy Fives
8: Lustful, controlling Eights become more open-hearted and caring, like healthy Twos
9: Slothful, self-neglecting Nines become more self-developing and energetic, like healthy Threes
Imitating the behavior of the type in your Direction of Integration can actually make the personality “denser” since real transformation can actually make the personality “denser” since real transformation involves letting go of ego patterns and defenses, not adding new ones.
We must remember that the personality cannot solve the problems of the personality, and until our Essence is deeply felt and is guiding our activities, the personality can do little except to “not do” its old tricks. The process of integration is not about what we “should” do—it is a process of consciously letting go of aspects of our type that block us. When we stop holding and balancing as natural as the blossoming of a flower. A tree does not have to do anything to go from a bud to a flower to a fruit: it is an organic, natural process, and the should wants to unfold in the same way. The Enneagram describes this organic process in each type. The type in the Direction of Integration gives us clues about when this is taking place and helps us understand and activate this process more easily.
PART II THE NINE PERSONALITY TYPES
TYPE ONE: THE REFORMER
The Teacher, The Activist, The Crusader, The Moralist, The Perfectionist, The Organizer
Basic Fear: Of being”bad,” defective, evil, corrupt
Basic Desire: To be good, virtuous, in balance—to have integrity
Superego Message: “You are good or ok if you do what is right”
The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic
They strive after higher values, even at the cost of great personal sacrifice.
Ones are people of practical action—they wish to be useful in the best sense of the word. On some level of consciousness, they feel that they “have a mission” to fulfill in life, if only to try their best to reduce the disorder they see in their environment.
Ones are actually activists who are searching for an acceptable rationale for what they feel they must do.
Ones attempting to create their own brand of perfection, they often create their own personal hell.
CHILDHOOD PATTERN
Ones developed a sense of seriousness and adult responsibility at an early age…often played the role of the Family Hero.
THE ONE WITH A NINE-WING: THE IDEALIST
Healthy: highly discerning, wise, and civilized…”big” picture. They can have an introverted, reclusive quality…emotionally reserved, but generous, kind and considerate
Average: Idealistic and less likely to engage in the politics and “dirty work” necessary to bring abut the reforms they believe in…People of this subtype prefer to be alone…potentially disdainful, elitist, and condescending to their fellow humans.
THE ONE WITH A TWO-WING: THE ADVOCATE
Healthy: genuinely interested in improving the lot of mankind and are willing to get into the trenches to bring about the changes they advocate…overtly passionate and interpersonal…persuasive
Average: Highly active and outgoing…aggressive and forceful in the pursuit of the ideals and reforms they seek…energized by engaging with others, particularly debating and refining their ideas…naturally good at politics.
THE SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE ONE
Self Control. …worry about their material well-being, both in terms of finances and health…strong drives for gratification, but their Type One superego can be severe in countering those drives. The resulting inner conflict is the source of continual stress, physical tension, and an all-or-nothing attitude with regard to their pleasures and desires. They may either indulge themselves and their desires, or go through periods of asceticism.
THE SOCIAL INSTINCT IN THE ONE
The Crusader. In the average range, Social Ones believe that they represent objective values, social standards, and that they speak for others. Teaching, advocated, and moralizing can be part of the picture, but mostly about social issues and about rules and procedures. Social ones derive a vivid sense of themselves by holding strong opinions and convictions and arguing for their perspective. Their views can become a boundary, an armor against the world. In the unhealthy range, Social Ones hold unrealistic standards and dogmas. In the lower Levels, they can engage in rants and tirades.
THE SEXUAL INSTINCT IN THE ONE
Shared Standards. In the average range, Sexual Ones want a flawless relationship with an idealized partner…an unwavering source of stability in their lives. They have high expectations. They also have trouble finding someone who meets their standards. At the lower Levels, they may constantly need to “check in” on the other’s activities and whereabouts. In the unhealthy range, the Sexual variant endows them with strong desires and appetites, but this is difficult to justify to the One’s superego. Less healthy Sexual Ones are prey to bouts of intense jealousy.
THE WAKE-UP CALL FOR TYPE ONE: A SENSE OF INTENSE PERSONAL OBLIGATION
A heavy and constant sense of personal obligation. “If I do not do this, no one else will!” They therefore become increasingly fixated on correcting and organizing and controlling their environment.
THE SOCIAL ROLE: THE EDUCATOR
“I know how things should be done.” In the average range, Ones begin to define themselves in the Social Role of the Educator or the Teacher. Unconsciously, average Ones see themselves as mature, responsible adults surrounded by irrational, careless children, and this attitude is often communicated to others in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.
As they become less healthy, Ones are much more easily annoyed baby others’ different—and to their minds, lax—standards.
PROMPT: PARENTING GROWN-UPS
Four largely unconscious ways of communicating with others others have been identified by a field of psychology called transactions analysis. We can communicate as adult-to-adult, as child-to-adult, as child-to-child, or as adult-to-child. Ones often create problems in their relationships by choosing the last of these: adult-to-child. Psychologists have found that this is the least effective way of communicating with others. Notice when you unconsciously fall into this pattern. What response does it get from others? How does it make you feel? What payoff are you getting for communicating to other this way?
ANGER, RESENTMENT, AND FRUSTRATION
Ones can grow enormously by learning to feel their anger without attempting to suppress it or justify it. Talking openly about their anger with significant others can be very healing for Ones and a positive step in learning to process their resentments.
STRIVING AFTER THE IDEAL
Ones have an inherent contradiction a the center of their personality structure. They wish to find integrity and a sense of wholeness—and yet by constantly sitting in judgment, their superego splits them into “good” and “bad” parts. They thereby lose the integrity and sense of wholeness they seek. An internal war rages.
PROMPT: DISAPPOINTMENT
Notice how many times a day you are disappointed with yourself or others. Use your Inner Work Journal to keep track of this for a few days. What standards are you measuring everything against? Question and examine the nature of these standards and their effect on you and the people in your life.
BEING PURPOSEFUL AND MAKING PROGRESS
guilt forbids “idling”…Ones feel that they are wasting time if they are not improving themselves and their environment in some way.
PROMPT: UNATTAINABLE STANDARDS
When you find yourself becoming frantic about some goal you have set, stop and ask yourself what is really at stake. Is the level of frustration you are experiencing commensurate with the problem you are dealing with? Especially notice your own self-talk. What are you saying to yourself? Whom are you trying to appease?
BEING RIGHT AND POINTING OUT PROBLEMS
Ones have learned that to be loved they must be good, and to be good they must be right. Average Ones feel compelled to debate others about any number of things. While average Ones may make a point worth listening to, they begin to express themselves in such a forceful (even abrasive) way that others cannot take in their message.
PROMPT: BROADENING YOUR VIEW
As an exercise, take up a position that is the opposite of your usual view and find a way to argue it convincingly. For instance, if you find most network television programming appalling, see if you can come up with a convincing thesis declaring the virtues of network television. After you can do this, you may try more challenging topics about which you have strong views: morality, sexuality, religion, and so forth. At the very least, you will understand the other person’s point of view better, leading to more compassion and tolerance. It may be difficult at first, but you will eventually find it extremely enjoyable, and this little game can do so much to free you from your superego.
ORDER, CONSISTENCY, AND PUNCTUALITY
Concern about external order seems to escalate in proportion to the average One’s deeper concern about some internal disorder they feel in themselves.
PROMPT: COMPULSIVE ORGANIZING
In your Inner Work Journal, spend fifteen minutes making a list of the areas in your life in which you demand and expect order and control and those in which you do not. Be honest with yourself, as there may be more in either group than you might expect. Do you expect order from people or things, situations at home or at the office? What kinds of disorder make you most annoyed? How does your annoyance show itself? At the end of the exercise, make a two-column list of the benefits and drawbacks of attempting to be orderly and organized in areas you have identified. Is order and predictability more important to you than people and relationships? Some kinds of relationships? Do you unconsciously and unintentionally treat yourself or others impersonally, as object or machines?
SELF-CONTROL AND SELF-RESTRAINT
In reaction to their superego demand for self-control, Ones start giving themselves secret “outs,” or what we call escape hatches. They develop secret behaviors and indulgences, giving themselves permission to do as they please in a way that feels safe and that they can rationalize. Their escape hatches represent a partial rebellion against the superego, a way of letting off steam without throwing off the super-ego altogether.
PROMPT: IDENTIFYING ESCAPE HATCHES
Do you have some escape hatches? What are they? What are they an escape from? What do they tell you about your own superego’s prohibitions?
BEING CRITICAL AND JUDGMENTAL
As they become more strict with themselves and unforgiving of their errors, average Ones cannot help but dwell on their shortcomings…ego-based judgment always carries a certain negative emotional charge Its primary function is not to discern but to create distance (or boundary). The hallmark of judgment (rather than Essential knowing) is that it is divisive. Ego judgment also contains an element of being “better than” that which is being judged.
PROMPT: THE RUNNING COMMENTARY
In your Inner Work Journal, write down all the judgments (good or bad) that you hav made about other people in the last three hours or so. If you have just gotten up in the morning, write down all of the judgments you have made about others since arising. did you make judgments about people you heard on the radio, or on television, or saw in your home, apartment building, or on the street going to work? Now do the same about yourself. How have you judged yourself in the last three hours? Is there a common theme to your judgments?
THE INNER CRITIC AND PERFECTIONISM
Average Ones are highly sensitive to criticism. Given their background of constant self-criticism: any further negative feedback from others can be extremely threatening. Average Ones are convinced that their Critic is the sole voice of reason—their guiding star that will lead them to salvation.
“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.”—Ann Wilson Schaef
WARNING SIGNS
-Taking rigid inflexible positions
-Extremely self-righteous and very judgmental
-Rationalizing and justifying their own actions
-Intense feelings of disillusion and depression
-Outbursts of rage, intolerance, and condemnation
-Obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors
POTENTIAL PATHOLOGY: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Depressive Personality Disorder, eating disorders, crippling guilt, and self-destructive behaviors
PRACTICES THAT HELP ONES DEVELOP
-Become acquainted with your superego-your inner voice. Learn to distinguish it from your self.
-Be aware of your tendency to push yourself beyond your limits of endurance. Leave time for play.
-You tend to believe that everything falls on your shoulders, and this can be extremely stressful. Let others help you.
-Being open and honest about your vulnerabilities is a key element to developing greater integrity. Be aware of the tendency to talk at others rather than to them.
-As long as you hold that there is some way that you are supposed to be, you cannot really be with who you are right now. Learn to be with yourself.
-Learn to recognize and process your anger.
THE ONE’S GIFTS
Ones in particular are powerfully motivated to be honest in all of their affairs. Ones want their word and deed to be consistent—to “walk the walk.” They say what they mean and do what they say. Healthy Ones utilize flexible standards and are always open to improving them. Healthy Ones are not motivated by personal advantage or gain. They can put aside their personal comfort and agenda for something that is the long-range good for everyone involved. Healthy Ones are able to accomplish many of their objectives because they maintain a balanced self-discipline. One might say that their self-discipline is based on the notion of “moderation in all things.” Like healthy Eights, Ones firmly believe they can make a difference and find it difficult to turn away from challenges.
REACTING TO STRESS: ONE GOES TO FOUR
THE PATH OF INTEGRATION: ONE GOES TO SEVEN
Ones actualize themselves and remain healthy by allowing the spontaneous arising of their instinctive response to life, as in healthy Sevens. Also like healthy Sevens integrating Ones become less opinionated and more open to a wider variety of possibilities for themselves.
The challenge for Ones is to make peace in their internal war, and they can do that only by accepting all parts of themselves as they are without judgment.
What Ones area actually seeking is not judgment but the quality of discernment. Discernment is noticing that things have different qualities. Judgment, however, includes an emotional reaction that actually interferes with discernment. A witness and a judge are not the same thing. Discernment requires us to be a witness.
Only if we are not obsessed with being right will we be able to find true righteousness.
The key word Ones need in order to heal is acceptance. If I really want to be in the service of good, I have to work with what is.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”—Carl Rogers
Self-Image: “I am sensible, moderate, and objective.”
Healthy Range
Level 1: Accepting, Wise
Level 2: Evaluating, Reasonable
Level 3: Principled, Responsible
Average Range
Level 4: Obligated, Striving
Level 5: Self-Controlled, Orderly
Level 6: Judgmental, Critical
Unhealthy Range
Level 7: Self-Righteous, Inflexible
Level 8: Obsessive, Contradictory
Level 9: Condemnatory, Punitive
TYPE TWO: THE HELPER
The Altruist, The Lover, The Caretaker, The Pleaser, The Enabler, The Special Friend
Basic Fear: Of being unloved and unwanted for themselves alone
Basic Desire: To feel loved
Superego Message: “You are good or okay if you are loved by others and are close to them”
The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive
Type Two the Helper, people of this type are either the most genuinely helpful to other people or, when they are less healthy, the most highly invested in seeing themselves as helpful.
Twos are most interested in what they feel to be the really, really good things in life—love, closeness, sharing, family, and friendship.
When Twos are healthy and in balance, they really are loving, helpful, generous, and considerate. People are drawn to them like bees to honey. Healthy Twos are the embodiment of the good parent that everyone wishes they had.
Twos’ inner development may be limited by their shadow side—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved.
Perhaps the biggest obstacle facing Twos, Three and Fours in their inner work is having to face their underlying Triad fear of worthlessness.
Average-to-unhealthy Twos seeks validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others.
CHILDHOOD PATTERN
Twos come to believe three things. First, that they must put other people’s needs ahead of their own; second, that they must give in order to get; and third, that they must earn a place in the affections of others because love will not simply be given to them.
They are deeply conditioned to believe that by sacrificing themselves, they will be rewarded with whatever is called love in their family systems.
THE TWO WITH A ONE-WING: THE SERVANT
Healthy: People of this subtype combine warmth with seriousness of purpose. The combination of the morality of the One and the empathy of the Two lead to a strong desire to relieve human suffering. They are more serious-minded than the other subtype, more overt caretakers, often found in teaching, public service, healing professions, the ministry, and working with the disenfranchised or the physically or mentally challenged.
Average: People of this subtype feel obligated to struggle against their “selfish” attitudes and feelings: they feel responsible for others’ welfare and are typically dutiful, proper and severe with themselves.
THE TWO WITH A THREE-WING: THE HOST/HOSTESS
Healthy: People of this subtype are more outgoing: they seek love through the creation of personal connection. They are sociable and talkative, charming and adaptable. They enjoy bestowing whatever talents and resources they possess on friends and family—cooking, entertaining, singing, and listening.
Average: Three’s desire for acceptance blending with the Two’s drive for intimacy. Less serious and more task-driven than Twos with a One-wing, they are also less likely to engage in self-questioning and self-criticism. People of this subtype are direct about what they want. They can self-important, high-handed, and sometimes arrogant.
SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE TWO
Entitlement. In the average range, Self-Preservation Twos repress their own Self-Preservation instincts while focusing on taking care of the needs of others. In the unhealthy range, Self-Preservation Twos become trapped in delusional self-importance and gross neglect or abuse of their own physical well-being. Obsessions with food and with medical symptoms and syndrome are common, as are somatic disorders and hypochondria.
THE SOCIAL INSTINCT IN THE TWO
Everybody’s Friend. In the average range, the Social instinct expresses itself in Twos as a powerful desire to be liked and approved by everyone in their social sphere. Social Twos have a strong need to be noticed, to be remembered by people, and are driven by fears of being left out or overlooked. In the unhealthy range, Social Twos can be highly patronizing, constantly drawing attention to “good deeds” and calling in their favors: Where would you be without me?”
THE SEXUAL INSTINCT IN THE TWO
Craving Intimacy. In the average range, Sexual Twos are the true intimacy junkies of the Enneagram. They are driven to get closer to others, both emotionally and physically. If Social Twos want to be everybody’s friend, Sexual Twos want to be one person’s best friend. In the unhealthy range, Sexual Twos become extremely jealous, possessive, and hovering, fearing to let the desired other out of sight or telephone reach.
WAKE-UP CALL FOR TYPE TWO: “PEOPLE-PLEASING”
People-pleasing can take many forms, from a forced friendliness, to being overly solicitous of others’ welfare, to being too generous, to flattering others shamelessly. Two are trying to fill in a hole in their own hearts with positive feelings from someone else.
PROMPT: WINNING PEOPLE OVER
In your Inner Work Journal, devote a page to making notes about your own forms of people-pleasing. Do you tend to flatter others in order to attempt to get them to like you? Do you give money or do special favors? How do you call attention to what you do for others, no matter how subtle you think you are being? Do you find yourself denying or justifying, your own degree of people-pleasing? Is it something you are proud of or ashamed of? How would you react if others called you on it? How do you feel as you consider these things? How do you feel when the tables are turned and others are flattering or attempting to please you?
THE SOCIAL ROLE: THE SPECIAL FRIEND
They want others to regard them as their best friend and to seek them out for advice and to share special secrets and intimacies.
PROMPT: DO THEY REALLY LIKE ME?
Notice what you personally do to ensure your connections with others. Do you render extra services? Do you talk a great deal about the relationship? Do you need a lot of reassurance? If you catch yourself feeling the need to get closer to someone, stop and take three deep breaths. Note your posture. Then continue speaking to the person.
PRIDE, FLATTERY, AND SELF-SATISFACTION
When the ego attempts to see itself as the source of love and value in others’ lives, the result is pride, the Passion or “Capital Sin” of the Two.
LOOKING FOR TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
As Twos feel lovable, they focus more on specific things that signify not them that they are loved. We call these specific responses terms of endearment. The more insecure Twos are, the most difficult it will be for them to accept even overt signs of affection as evidence of love.
PROMPT: RECOGNIZING LOVE
In your Inner Work Journal, explore the questions. “How do I know that I am loved?” What counts for love in your life? Whose love are you looking for? What are the signs that this person(s) is giving you love? How do you know, or how would you know that you are loved?
INTIMACY AND LOSS OF BOUNDARIES
Bestowing approval, compliments, applause, and flattery can be seductive to others, and average Twos know it. As Twos become increasingly needy, they expect others to respond in particular ways. The more intent they become on establishing a relationship, the more trouble Twos have recognizing boundaries.
PROMPT: MEETING NEEDS-FINDING A BALANCE
Remember to ask people that you care about what they need from yo and what they do not need from you. Be willing to hear them and accept their boundaries. Also, notice when you are unable to do things for yourself because you have overextended your efforts for others. Compile a daily list of things you need to do for yourself and stick with it! Keep this list in a prominent place where you can see it.
DISGUISED NEEDINESS
Twos have learned that they cannot express their needs and demands directly—they must do so indirectly, hoping that others will pick up the hints and repay them in various ways. There begins to be an element of compulsiveness in Twos’ giving: they cannot not help. It becomes an obligation to step in and save others.
PROMPT: RECOGNIZING NEEDS
Whenever you find yourself needing to do something for someone, stop your activities, quiet yourself, and from your heart, ask what you need at this time.
BEING A RESCUER AND COLLECTING NEEDY PEOPLE
On the positive side, Twos’ emotional and empathetic connections with others make them genuinely want to do whatever they can to help someone in distress, while their generosity and energy enable them to follow through in tangible ways. But on the negative side, rescuing others prevents them from relating to people in more satisfying ways. In their need to be needed, They give to people who cannot repay their gift.
PROMPT: FINDING GOOD BOUNDARIES
When you involve yourself with someone, make explicit with the person what you want or expect from him or her. Notice when you get involved with people who you perceive as needing you in some way. Learn to avoid falling in love with fixer-uppers. (“He’s really cute, and he’s honest because he too me he’s a drug addict who beat up this last girlfriend. But if I love him enough…”) It is good to help people, but only if we are ding so without expectations about what they may do for us in the future.
POSSESSIVENESS AND CONTROL
The more average Twos spend time and energy on others, the more they being to feel that they have an investment in them—an investment that they want to protect. Others experience this as being possessive, and a related quality of jealousy can surface if these issues are not recognized. “Where would you be without me?”
PROMPT: GIVING RELATIONSHIPS ROOM TO GROW
In your Inner Work Journal, explore the ways in which you have been possessive of your family and friends. In what ways have you found it difficult to let them go? How have you tried to hold on to people? Do you see the action of jealousy in your relationship? When in childhood did you begin to be aware of this emotion, and how did you deal with it then? Did someone in your childhood attempt to manipulate you through the use of jealousy or possessiveness? How does it make you feel when someone is being possessive of you?
HEALTH AND “SUFFERING”
If Twos continue to overextend themselves for others, they wear themselves out physically as well as emotionally and financially. Their real (as well as their exaggerated) suffering allows them to feel like martyrs who are overburdened by their sacrifices of others, although they may well overrate their efforts on others’ behalf. Healthy Twos do no talk much about their own problems; lower-to-average unhealthy Twos talk about little else.
TAKING CARE OF YOU, TOO
Learn to listen to your body—especially around matters of rest. Notice when you are eating for emotional reasons rather than because you are hungry. Give yourself the kind of care you would insist on for someone you love.
REACTING TO STRESS: TWO GOES TO EIGHT
When their anxieties and stress exceed their coping abilities, Twos go to Eight, become more blunt and forceful. Twos normally present an image of selfless kindness, but the move to Eight reveals that they are remarkably tough underneath—others discover that beneath they velvet glove is an iron fist.
Warning Signs:
-Extreme tendencies toward self-deception
-Acting with a sense of delusional entitlement
-Episodes of manipulating and coercing others
-Episodes of obsessive love out of keeping with age or status
-Evidence of repressed aggression acted out inappropriately
-Physical symptoms of emotional problems (somatization)
Potential Pathology: Histrionic Personality Disorder, hypochondriasis, somatization, eating disorders, serious, coercive sexual behaviors, “stalking”
PRACTICES THAT HELP TWOS DEVELOP:
-Do not be so concerned about what others think of you, and be particularly aware of trying to win over everyone.
-Learn to recognize the affection and good wishes of others, even when they are not in terms that you are familiar with.
-It is vitally important for you to develop good boundaries.
-Become aware of when you are flattering people or in any way trying to ingratiate yourself with them.
-Work on your pride by first seeing the many ways in which it subtly manifests itself. Only really humility and the knowledge that you are loved—in fact, you are an expression of love—will dissolve pride.
-Be brutally honest with yourself about your motives when you do anything for anyone. Learn to doubt your own rationale. Learn to listen to your body and your heart.
BUILDING ON THE TWO’S STRENGTHS
Healthy Twos make good things happen for people. The gift of their sincere works speaks more eloquently for them than anything they could say. Healthy Twos exhibit a joyful, spontaneous quality. They laugh easily and deeply and do not take themselves too seriously, simply enjoying life’s bounty with people they care about. Healthy boundaries also enable Twos to do good for themselves—to develop their own lives in significant ways. Healthy Twos hav enough self-esteem and self-nurturance not to take the reactions of others as a referendum on their own value.
THE PATH OF INTEGRATION: TWO GOES TO FOUR
Twos becomes actualized and remain by learning to recognize and accept all of their feelings without censoring them, like healthy Fours. Integrating Twos gradually become acquainted and comfortable with the entire panoply of feeling states available to them—including their secret needs and their darkest hatreds. Exploring modes of self-expression—music, art, dance—or simply keeping a private journal can be extremely helpful to Twos. (“Why are you spending all of this time on yourself?”) Twos can do much to counteract these voices by learning to stop, quiet the mind, and discriminate the strict “voice” of their superego fro real inner guidance.
When they learn to nurture themselves and look after their own needs, Twos achieve a balance in which loving and satisfying relationships are not only possible—they will happen as surely as the sun rises.
Twos grow tremendously when they recognize that love is not a commodity that can be won, demanded, earned, or bestowed by someone else—or that can be given to someone else, because it is, in its highest and truest form, not a function of the ego.
Healthy Twos are aware of the presence of love all around them, so there is quite literally nothings that they need to get from anyone—and nothing they can give.
Our desperate search for attention ends when we recognize that we not only have love and value, at the level of our souls, we are love and value.
Self-Image: “I am loving, thoughtful and selfless.”
Healthy Range
Level 1: Self-Nurturing, Unconditionally Loving
Level 2: Empathetic Caring
Level 3: Supportive, Giving
Average Range
Level 4: Well-Intentioned, People-pleasing
Level 5: Possessive, Intrusive
Level 6: Self-Important, Overbearing
Unhealthy Range
Level 7: Self-Justifying, Manipulative
Level 8: Entitled, Coercive
Level 9: Feel Victimized, Burdensome
TYPE THREE: THE ACHIEVER
The Motivator, The Role Model, The Paragon, The Communicator, The Status Seeker, “The Best”
Basic Fear: Of being worthless, without value, apart from their achievements
Basic Desire: To feel worthwhile, accepted, and desirable
Superego Message: “You are good or okay as long as you are successful and others think well of you.”
The success-oriented, pragmatic type: Adaptable, excelling, driven and image-conscious
When they are healthy, Threes really can and do achieve success in many areas of life. Healthy Threes know how good it feels to develop themselves and contribute their abilities to the world. They enjoy motivating others to greater personal achievements. Of all the types, they most believe in themselves and in developing their talents and capacities. Threes act as living role models and paragons because of their extraordinary embodiment of socially valued qualities.
Threes will try to become somebody noteworthy in their family and their community. They will not be a “nobody.” Goal-oriented. Cultivate and develop whatever about them is attractive or potentially impressive.
Everyone needs attention, encouragement, and affirmation in order to thrive, and Threes are the type that most exemplifies this universal human need. Threes want success not so much of the things that success will buy (as Sevens do), or for the power and feeling of independence that it will bring (as Eights do). They want success because they are afraid of disappearing into a chasm of emptiness and worthlessness: without the increased attention and feeling of accomplishment that success usually brings, Threes fear that they are nobody and have no value.
Threes can become so alienated from themselves that they no longer know what they truly want or what their real feelings or interests are. Thus, while they are the primary type in the Feeling Triad, Threes, interestingly, are not known as “feeling” people; rather, they are people of action and achievement. It is as if they put their feelings in a box so that they can get ahead with what they want to achieve. Threes have come to believe that emotions get in the way of performance. Threes have come to believe that emotions get in the way of performance, so they substitute thinking and practical action for feelings.
The fundamental dilemma of Threes is that they have not been allowed to be who they really are and to manifest their own authentic qualities.
THE CHILDHOOD PATTERN
As children, Threes were not valued for themselves. They learned to get validation of their worth through achievement and performance. But it never really satisfied them because it was a validation not of them but of something they had done or something they tried to become. Threes thus learn to play the role of the Family Hero. The child gets the subtle message, “It is not okay to not be okay.” The reason for this is that on a deep psychological level, if you are trying to redeem the wounds and the shame of your family, you cannot by hurt or shamed yourself. You have to at least seem to have it all together.
THE THREE WITH A TWO-WING: THE CHARMER
Healthy. People of this subtype are more emotional and spontaneous than the other subtype. Their outgoing, vivacious quality can resemble Sevens. They can be friendly, helpful, and generous like Twos, while maintaining the poise, and high personal achievement of Threes.
Average. They attempt to suppress any characteristics that interfere with their desirability, feeling that their value comes from the ability to attract and even dazzle others.
THE THREE WITH A FOUR-WING: THE PROFESSIONAL
Healthy. People of this subtype feel that self-esteem comes from their work and career success more than from personal qualities. While diplomatic and charming, they are more generously serious and task-oriented and can therefore resemble Ones.
Average. Powerful ambition and self-doubt mix in people of this subtype, inevitably creating tremendous pressures. They aspire to embody perfection in some way to avoid being rejected or shamed as inferior.
SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE THREE
Workaholism. In the average range, Self-Preservation Threes feel that they must constantly work for security and stability (like Sevens) and want to build up a base of material well-being (like Eights). They attempt to impress others not with their sex appeal or their social status but with their stability and material well-being. Self-Preservation Threes can become excessively focused on their careers. Other aspects of their lives tend to become secondary to work, and they may neglect their health and relationship due to unrealistic schedules.
THE SOCIAL INSTINCT IN THE THREE
The Status Seeker. In the average range, Social Threes need recognition and reassurance that they are making progress, moving up in the world. Social Threes need signs that they are valued by their peers. They are strongly identified with their social roles. (“I am what I do.”) As they become more insecure, Social Threes are prone to bragging, relentless self-promotion, and exaggeration of their abilities.
THE SEXUAL INSTINCT IN THE THREE
The Catch. In the average range, Sexual Threes are characterized bye a powerful desire to be desired. This is not just sexual desirability, but an overall drive to be valued and wanted. They work at developing an appealing, alluring image, striving to become the ideal of their gender and cultural milieu. They constantly fear that they will not be able to live up the image they are projecting. In the unhealthy Levels, Sexual Threes can become caught up in promiscuity. Slights to their narcissism, real or imagined, can lead to vindictiveness, sexual rage, and jealousy, often out of all proportion to their actual disappointment.
THE WAKE-UP CALL FOR TYPE THREE: MY VALUE DEPENDS ON MY SUCCESS
Threes start to equate their own personal value with their level of success, and this is their Wake-up Call.
PROMPT: WHOSE GOALS? WHOSE SUCCESS?
What does success mean to you? What did it mean to your parents? What does it mean to your peers? Any connections?
THE SOCIAL ROLE: “THE BEST”
Threes begin to believe that they must always shine, that they must always be outstanding. Seeing themselves as failure of any kind is out of the question.
PROMPT: WHEN DO YOU GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK?
Identify and write down fire areas in your life in which you do not feel compelled to be the best. Identify and write down five areas in your life in which you do feel that you must be the best. Read your two lists and see what you can notice about how they make you feel. What differences in your state can you detect? In your tensions or relaxation? In feeling calm or anxious? Think of five more areas where you could learn to relax and just be you.
DECEIT, VANITY, AND VALIDATION
The Three’s Passion is deceit. One aspect of the Three’s deceit is the tendency to present themselves in a way that does not reflect their authentic self. An even more important aspect is their self-deception: in order to maintain their external performance, Threes must convince themselves that they are actually the idealized image that they project to the world. At the same time, they must also repress their feelings of inadequacy to keep the self-deception going. They fear that if they were to drop their image, other people would see their deficits and reject them-confirming their worthlessness. Average Threes put their energy into perfecting their ego self, their self-image, rather than into discovering their true self, because they believe that the ego is the real self.
PERFORMANCE AND BEING OUT OF TOUCH WITH FEELINGS
Threes want to stand out from the crowd, they give a great deal of attention to their “performance” in all senses of the word—professional, physical, academic, social. They present themselves to others as someone who has it all together, with a cool, effortless mastery.
PROMPT: REAWAKENING YOUR HEART
Place your hand on your chest, right over your heart, and take a few deep breaths. Let your attention sense this area of your body. Let it go into this space. What do you experience? Remember that there its not right answer—there is nothing that you are supposed to experience. Whatever you find or do not find is your experience. Stay with whatever sensations you find in your heart “space,” and note how they change over time. Return to this practice at least once a day.
COMPETITION AND DRIVING ONESELF
Average Threes may start getting into subtle competitions of all kinds.
PROMPT: DRIVING YOURSELF
In your Inner Work Journal, explore the following questions: In what ways do you see yourself as success driven and competitive? Why do you hold the goals that you are pursuing? Have you ever gotten into projects that you were not really interested in because of the need to excel or compete? What do you think would happen if you “took your foot off the accelerator” a little bit? How do you deal with the fear or anxiety that comes up when you compare yourself to someone else? How do you feel about your competitors? How have you handled or reframed your own failures?
IMAGE AND SELF-PRESENTATION
Threes have the capacity to adapt themselves to others in order to present an attractive image. Their innate talent for reading a situation and being able instinctively to come up with what is expected. Threes can walk into a room and sense the undercurrents between people and how instantly how to act. As Threes are repeatedly rewarded for this ability, they become practiced at adjusting themselves that they lose touch with their authentic self.
PROMPT: MEETING EXPECTATIONS
What image are you projecting to others right now? to yourself? at the office? to your social friends? to your parents? to your children? to your pets? Are they the same or different? How do you see yourself as opposed to how you believe others see you? In what specific ways is your self-image different, do you think from the image you project to others? How do you know? Has the disparity gotten you into conflicts with others or caused problems for you in some way?
PACKAGING THE SELF AS A COMMODITY
When Threes feel insecure, they protect themselves by managing their image even more closely. Much of their behavior becomes what amounts to a public relations game. They begin to feel that how they are perceived is everything.
PROMPT: ADJUSTING YOURSELF
Notice when you are adjusting yourself to your surroundings. How many times do you do this in a day? Observe the difference between your self-presentations with your friends, your coworkers, your family, and so forth. Notice when certain intonations or rhythms creep into your speech patterns. When you notice these self-adjustments, what effect do they have on your own groundedness? On your connection with your heart? When you adjust yourself, do you feel more or less valuable?
FEAR OF INTIMACY
As long as Threes are trying to convince themselves and others that they have it all together, they cannot allow others to get too intimate with them. Closeness will allow others to see that they actually do not have it all together, that they are not the person they seem to be.
PROMPT: LETTING OTHERS SEE YOU
Share something vulnerable about yourself with someone you trust. As you do so, focus on the actual feeling of the vulnerability. Is it unpleasant? What is it like? How does it make you feel in relation to the other person? What are you afraid to let them see?
NARCISSISM AND SHOWING OFF
The more unhealthy a Three’s childhood environment has been, the more their sense of value will have been wounded, the more difficult it will be for them to find an hold on to genuine feelings of self-worth. Narcissistic damage usually manifests itself in overcompensation—in other words, in showing off.
PROMPT: LETTING PEOPLE DISCOVER YOU
When you are with others in social settings, focus first on their life’s and accomplishments. Find out what is interesting about them. Notice how this gives them the opportunity to be curious about you without you needing to impress them up front. Consider that others might like you without you needing to impress them. How does that possibility make you feel?
REACTING TO STRESS: THREE GOES TO NINE
Experience failures or major setbacks in their careers can be particularly devastating to Threes. During such intervals, Threes become disillusioned with life and with themselves. Their underlying emptiness breaks through, and they appear apathetic and burned-out. Rather than using their industriousness to improve their situation, they tend to avoid the realities of their problems and waste their time indulging in wishful thinking and fantasies of their next big success.
Warning Signs:
-Physical exhaustion and burnout from relentless workaholism
-Increasingly false self-image, dishonesty, and deceptiveness
-Lack of feelings and inner emptiness
-Concealing the degree of their emotional distress
-Jealousy and unrealistic expectations of success
-Exploitation and opportunism
-Severe episodes of rage and hostility
Potential Pathology: Narcissistic Personality Disorder, hypertensions, depression (often anhedonic), narcissistic rage and vindictiveness, psychopathic behavior
Practices that help Threes develop:
-Learn to recognize when you are “turning it on” for someone—when you are becoming your image instead of speaking and acting authentically. Without awareness, you serve your image.
-Give yourself a break once in a while and take time to relax. Stop and take deep breaths periodically throughout the day and take a few moments to check in with yourself.
-Seek out people you trust with whom you can share you anxieties and vulnerabilities. Reveal some of your vulnerabilities to healthy friends will endear you to them—not disappoint them.
-Threes really benefit from creativity, especially when the creativity is for themselves and not an audience of some kind.
-You are a type that can especially benefit from meditation, although you are one of the types least likely to meditate. Sitting around “doing nothing” doesn’t make much sense to your task-driven ego, but it makes a lot of sense to your soul. To be able to simply be is a major human accomplishment, but it is especially an accomplishment for Threes.
-Find areas in your life where you can be of service as part of a team, but not as the head of the team!
Healthy Threes have a realistic and deeply felt appreciation of themselves and their lives that gives them confidence as well as a healthy sense of their possibilities.
Threes understand the value of investing in themselves and their own development. They are always trying to find ways to enhance and improve their lives and to teach others how to develop themselves.
Threes really apply themselves to developing whatever qualities they have. Besides investing in their own talents, healthy Threes help others to be their best; they use their ability to excite and motivate people to achieve more than they thought they could.
Many corporations and organizations employ healthy Threes to represent them. They are good communicators and promoters, and they know how to present something in a way that is attractive, appealing, and inspiring. They can be highly effective at building morale and community spirit.
High-functioning Threes are self-accepting and inner-directed.
THE PATH OF INTEGRATION: THREE GOES TO SIX
Threes, like healthy Sixes, become actualized and remain healthy by learning to commit to others and to goals that transcend their personal interest.
The burden of being the Family Hero did not allow them to reach out for support or comfort—the hero is not allowed to need too much help. But as Threes integrate to Six, they start to recognize and take in the support that is available in their lives, and they have the courage to ask for it when they need it.
To liberate themselves, Threes must let go of their belief that their value is dependent on the positive regard of others. Only then can they begin to become inner-directed and authentic.
When Threes are willing to risk losing the approval of other to follow their own heart, they can become the outstanding individuals they have always wished to be.
When they are able to reconnect with their hearts, healthy Threes model the Essential gift of authenticity like no other type. Authenticity is not about being brutally honest. Authenticity means manifesting who you are in the moment. Perhaps the best for it is value—the fact that we are valuable because we exist.
This idea flies in the face of popular culture, which insists that we are valuable only if we have a certain income or certain physical qualities or are of a certain age or professional background. But all of these more superficial understandings of value are substitutes created by the personality that is out of touch with the ground of its Being, the source of all real value.
All of the pains, humiliations, and problems of life do nothing to diminish the Essential value of a person; at most, they only modify the person and give him or her an opportunity for further expansion, acceptance, and understanding.
Self-image: “I am outstanding, capable, and well-adjusted (unlimited potential).”
Healthy Range
Level 1: Inner-Directed, Authentic
Level 2: Adaptable, Admirable
Level 3: Goal-Oriented, Self-Improving
Average Range
Level 4: Success-Oriented, Performing
Level 5: Image-Conscious, Expedient
Level 6: Self-Promoting, Grandiose
Unhealthy Range
Level 7: Unprincipled, Deceptive
Level 8: Duplicitous, Opportunistic
Level 9: Monomaniacal, Relentless
Type Four: The Individualist
The Artist, The Romantic, The Melancholic, The Aesthete, The Tragic Victim, The Special One
Basic Fear: Of having no identity, no personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance, to create an identity out of their inner experience
Superego Message: “You are good or okay if you are true to yourself.”
The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental
We have names this type the Individualist because fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from other. Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings and, consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are actually aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies. Healthy Fours are honest with themselves: they own all of their feelings and can look at their motives, contradictions, and emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing them.
The “romantics” of the Enneagram, they long from someone to come into their lives and appreciate the secrete self that they have privately nurtured and hidden from the world.
Fours’ mantra becomes “I am myself. Nobody understands me. I am different and special.”
Fours typically have problems with a negative self-image and chronically low self-esteem. They attempt to compensate for this by cultivating a Fantasy Self—an idealized self-image that is built up primarily in their imaginations.
One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold on to negative feelings about those who have hurt them.
CHILDHOOD PATTERN
Fours feel that they are not like their parents. Fours believe that something must be profoundly wrong with them, launching them on a lifelong “search for self.” Fours are always looking for the mother and father they feel they did not have. They may idealize these others as “saviors” who will rescue them from their plight. Fours attempt to remain mysterious and intriguing enough to attract someone who will notice them and redeem them with their love. But self-concealment and self-revelation alternate and can be expressed with such extremes of intensity and need the Fours inadvertently drive the longed-for rescuer away.
THE FOUR WITH A THREE-WING: THE ARISTOCRAT
Healthy. People of this subtype combine creativity and ambition, the desire for self-improvement and an eye toward achieving goals, often involving their personal advancement. They are more sociable than people of the other subtype and want to be both successful and distinctive.
Average. These people are more self-conscious and aware of issues regarding their self-worth. They want recognition for themselves and their work. They are more practical, but also more extravagant—loving refinement, culture, and sophistication—typically seeing themselves as high class, elegant, and concerned with social acceptance.
THE FOUR WITH A FIVE-WING: THE BOHEMIAN
Healthy. People of this subtype tend to be extremely creative, combining emotionally and introspection with perceptiveness and originality. Highly personal and idiosyncratic in their self-expression, creating more for themselves than for an audience.
Average. More introverted and socially withdrawn than the other subtype, these Fours tend to dwell more exclusively in their imagination. The real world is less interesting to them than the inner landscaped they create for themselves.
THE SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE FOUR
The Sensualist. In the average range, Self-Preservation Fours tend to be the most practical and materialistic kind of Fours. They love the finer things of life and want to surround themselves with beautiful objects. They also tend to be the most introverted Fours; having comfortable, aesthetic surroundings supports them during periods of social isolation. They often develop a throw-caution-to-the-winds attitude that comes from the excitement of being on a temporary emotional high of some sort. They typically allow emotional whims to dictate their behaviors. In the unhealthy range, Self-Preservation Fours are highly susceptible to alcoholism and drug abuse. Involving themselves in illicit love affairs or other destructive relationship.
THE SOCIAL INSTINCT IN THE FOUR
The Outsider. In the average range, Social Fours most see themselves as unlike others, as being totally unique. They experience their uniqueness as both the gift they bring to others and the burden they must bear. The most socially active and engaged Fours. Like Threes, they constantly compare themselves with others, although always feeling that they come up short. Many Social Fours become attracted to alternative lifestyle groups to compensate. (“I’ll seek solace with the other outsiders.” Beatniks in the 1950’s or the Gothic rock subculture in the 1980’s and 1990’s are examples of this.) In the unhealthy range, fear of rejection can lead Social Fours to withdraw almost completely from involvement with others. Isolation along with fantasies of achievement may cause unhealthy Social Fours to waste their lives.
THE SEXUAL INSTINCT IN THE FOUR
Infatuation. In the average range, Sexual Fours most exemplify the romanticism, intensity, and longing for a rescuer that characterize this type. They can be sweetly vulnerable and impressionable, but also aggressive and dynamic, especially in their self-expression. Intense feelings of admiration., longing, and hatred for the object of desire can all coexist.
THE WAKE-UP CALL FOR TYPE FOUR: USING THE IMAGINATION TO INTENSIFY FEELINGS
Fours base their identity on their internal feeling states (“I am what I feel”) If their identity is based on feelings, and their feelings are always changing, then their identity is always changing. The way Fours resolve this problem is to cultivate certain feelings that they identify with while rejecting others that are not as familiar or “true.”
When Fours start trying to create and sustain moods—in a sense, trying to manipulate their feelings—they are going in the wrong direction. All of this leads Fours into the ultimately self-defeating habit of living in their imagination rather than the red world.
PROMPT: RECOGNIZING THE “SIREN’S CALL” OF FANTASY
Fours fear that if their emotions are not sufficiently intense, their creativity and even their identity will disappear. Observe yourself during the day to see if you can feel this process of using your imagination to stir up how you feel. Pay attention to your fantasies, daydreams, and self-talk: What are they reinforcing? What purpose do they serve? Do you believe that some feelings are more “you” than others are? What is your personal “baseline mood” most of the time? How do you react if you are spontaneously not in that mood? Notice any tendency to run a commentary on your feelings and experiences, as if asking yourself, “what does this experience mean to me?” Every time you find yourself fantasizing, especially about potential romance, sexual encounters, or becoming your “idealized” self, you are moving deeper into the trance of Type Four,
THE SOCIAL ROLE: THE SPECIAL ONE
Maintaining feelings unlike those of others reinforces a Four’s identity. Thus their characteristic Social Role is the Special One, or the Mysterious Outsider. Taken too far, the desire to “be themselves” can lead Fours to feel that the rules and expectations of ordinary life do not apply to them.
PROMPT: BEING DIFFERENT VS. BEING CONNECTED
While it is true that we are all individuals—precious in our own right—it is also true that we share a great deal with other human beings. Notice your tendency to automatically focus on your difference with people. What does this cost you in terms of your connectedness with others? Does it prevent you from taking up activities that might be beneficial to you?
ENERGY AND NEGATIVE COMPARISONS
Like all of the Passions (or “Capital Sins”), envy develops as a particular response to the loss of connection with the Essential self. But, unlike many of the types, Fours retain some degree of awareness of this loss of contact with their Essence. Although envy may at times consume Fours, they are usually ashamed of it and attempt to hide it as much as possible. Fours often get caught up in negative comparisons and negative feelings because of their tendency to imagine the reactions of others rather than check with them to find our what they are actually thinking.
REINFORCING MOODS THROUGH AESTHETICS AND SENSUALITY
Fours maintain their moods by cultivating an environment that supports the feelings they identify with. Atmosphere, style, and being “tasteful” become of paramount importance. If they are losing hope that they will ever have a steady and meaningful relationship, for instance, they may attempt to succor themselves with substitute pleasures.
PROMPT: “INTERIOR DECORATING”
Take some time to examine your home environment, your workplace, and your wardrobe. What are your favorite “props?” What do you use to “create atmosphere?” How attached are you to that atmosphere? Are there specific things you do to “get yourself into a mood” to work? To talk with people? To relax/ To exercise or to meditate?
WITHDRAWAL INTO A FANTASY SELF
The types of the Feeling Triad all create a self-image that they believe is preferable to their authentic self. While the self-images of Types Two and Three are more on display, Fours create an internalized self-image we have called the Fantasy Self. Even when Fours reveal some aspects of their inner identity, they keep most of their Fantasy Self to themselves.
When Fours become deeply identified with their Fantasy Self, they tend to repel any kind of interference with their lifestyle choices, interpreting suggestions from others as unwelcome intrusiveness or heavy-handed pressure.
PROMPT: ACTUALIZING YOUR REAL TALENTS
What qualities do you fantasize about having? Of these qualities, notice which ones you might actually be able to develop. For instance, it is true that music requires some talent, but none of that talent will be realized if you do not develop it through practice and discipline. Similarly, being in shape requires exercise and a balanced diet. Which qualities are unattainable, no matter what you do—being taller, or from a different background for instance? What is it about these qualities that attracts you? Can you feel the self-rejection in wishing to be these things? Can you recognize the value in the qualities you do have?
HYPERSENSITIVITY
Continual fantasizing, self-absorption, and negative comparisons lead Fours away from reality-based actions into heightened emotionality and moodiness.
PROMPT: GETTING REALITY CHECKS
Get reality checks from people when you are feeling that they are judging, criticizing, or rejecting you. Ask them to clarify what they meant, and allow for the possibility that they may be telling you exactly what they feel. Avoid “over-interpreting” or “over-reading” every gesture and comment that others are asking. Chances are good that they are not scrutinizing you in this kind of detail. Notice, too, your degree of interest in others and the nature of your comments and thoughts about them. Would you find this acceptable in them?
SELF-ABSORPTION AND NARCISSISM
Self-consciousness, social awkwardness, and subtle forms of getting attention are related to the narcissistic we see in all three types of the Feeling Triad. In Twos and Threes, narcissism manifests directly in a drive to win validation and attention from others; the narcissism of Fours is expressed indirectly, in self-absorption and in the enormous significance Fours attribute to their every feeling. This state of mind can lead to crippling self-consciousness.
Acutely feeling shortchanged by life, no one, it seems to Fours, is giving them their due or recognizing their special state, needs, or suffering. Average Fours typically withdraw from others to protect themselves from further self-exposure.
PROMPT: WHY WITHHOLD YOURSELF
Notice when and how you withdraw from people and events, making yourself an outsider when you do not have to be, not participating in social and interpersonal events the you could. Can you distinguish when this is a legitimate choice arrived at with equanimity and when it is an emotionally charged reaction that is probably the result of an old childhood issue? Can you stay with your reaction long enough (without acting it out) to see what is at the root of it?
INVESTMENT IN “HAVING PROBLEMS” AND EBING TEMPERAMENTAL
As children, Fours learned to get attention in their family by having emotional problems or by being temperamental and sullen. Many Fours learn that they can be reassured of others’ love for them by being difficult and seeing if others will make the effort to respond to them. Sulking lets everyone know that they are unhappy about something, without their having to tell anyone what it is. Average Fours drive people away with their withdrawals and stormy emotionalism, and yet they demand attention through these very same behaviors.
PROMPT: THE COST OF DRAMA
Many Fours get into a pattern of having stormy conflicts with people and then reconnecting with them by making up. Notice your tendency to create drama in your principal relationships. What are you really frustrated about? What behavior are you trying to elicit from the other person? How close have you come to truly alienating people you love with this pattern?
REACTING TO STRESS: FOUR GOES TO TWO
Fours may go to Two and unconsciously try to solve their interpersonal problems with a slightly forced friendliness. Fours may then go to Two and try to hold on to people by clinging. Fours will eventually need increasing emotional and financial support to continue their unrealistic lifestyle. They fear that without such support, they might lose the ability to actualize their dreams.
Warning signs:
-An oppressive sense of alienation from self and others
-Extreme emotional volatility and touchiness (not a manic reaction)
-Dependency on one or two others, with unstable relationships
-Outbursts of rage, hostility and hatred
-Chronic, long-term depression and hopelessness
-Episodes of self-sabotage and rejecting positive influences
-Obsessions with death, morbidity, and self-hatred
Potential Pathology: Severe depression, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, crimes of passion—murder and suicide
PRACTICES THAT HELP FOURS DEVELOP
-Remember the adage that “feelings aren’t facts.” Be especially suspicious of “reading” any apparently negative intentions of comments by others about you.
-Emotional volatility and moodiness are not the same as real sensitivity. Further, they are fairly good indication that our heart is closed down. The deeper qualities of the heart are more subtle and are not reacnionts to the actions of others or to our environment. Our emotional reactions often prevent us from being affected by our experiences on a deeper level. Ironically, they indicated a fear or unwillingness to explore the deeper, truer feelings that our situation may be triggering in us.
-Recognize the aspects of your Fantasy Self that are not in alignment with the reality of your life.
-Seek out truthful friends who will mirror you honestly an accurately.
-Beware of unconsciously expecting friends and intimates to be a dumping ground for your emotional upheavals.
-Set up positive, constructive routines for yourself. In your case, a little structure can go a long way in freeing up your creativity.
Four are the deep-sea divers of the psyche: they delve into the inner world of the human soul and return to the surface, reporting on what they have found. They are able to communicate subtle truths about the human condition in ways that are profound, beautiful, and affecting. In a fundamental way, Fours remind us of our deepest humanity—that which is most personal, hidden, and precious about us but which is, paradoxically, also the most universal.
Healthy Fours do not take themselves too seriously. They have a subtle sense of humor, often expressed in irony, that sees their own foibles with grace and lightheartedness.
Healthy Fours engage with reality through meaningful action.
THE PATH OF INTEGRATION: FOUR GOES TO ONE
Fours at One realize that self-expression does not mean indulging in their moods. They willingly becomes self-disciplined, working consistently to contribute something worthwhile to their world. No longer aloof bystanders waiting to be recognized, they participate fully in life and develop a stronger sense of themselves through their work and through their connections with other.
Important to develop another healthy One trait—discrimination. Fours learn what healthy Ones know: that the reality of a situation and our emotional responses to it are two different things.
In the process of transformation, Fours let go of a particular self-image—that they are more inherently flawed than others, and that they are missing something that others have. At this stage, Fours no longer need to feel different or special, seeing that, indeed, the universe has created only one of them, and that they are part of everything else—not isolated and alone.
Once liberated from their Basic Fear, Fours become a work of art and no longer need art as a substitute for the beauty that they find in abundance in themselves. Because they are aware of their Essential self and liberated from enmeshment with their emotional reactions, they can be more profoundly in touch with the ever-changing nature of reality and are inspired and delighted by it.
Type Four reveals to us the fundamental truth that our true self is not a thing with fixed attributes, it is an ever-transforming, ever-renewing process. The manifestations of our true nature are constantly arising and transforming into something else just as marvelous and unexpected, like a magical kaleidoscope. Four’s spiritual work lies in not making the kaleidoscope self into a snapshot, framed and hung on a wall. The Four’s special Essential quality is the embodiment of the personal element of the Divine. A fundamental aspect of our souls is impressionability—the ability to be touched and to grow from experience. At they core, Fours represent creation, the constant outlawing of the manifest, changing universe in the eternal now.
Self-image: “I am sensitive, different, and self-aware.”
Healthy Range
Level 1: Life-Embracing, Life-Enhancing
Level 2: Introspective, Sensitive
Level 3: Self-Revealing, Creative
Average Range
Level 4: Romanticizing, Individualistic
Level 5: Self-Absorbed, Temperamental
Level 6: Self-Indulgent, Decadent
Unhealthy Range
Level 7: Hateful, Alienated
Level 8: Self-Rejecting, Clinically depressed
Level 9: Despairing, Life-Denying
TYPE FIVE: THE INVESTIGATOR
The Thinker, The Innovator, The Observer, The Specialist, The Radical, The Expert
Basic Fear: Of being helpless, useless, incapable (overwhelmed)
Basic Desire: To be capable and competent
Superego Message: “You are good or okay if you have mastered something.”
The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated
We have named the personality type Five the Investigator because, more than any other type, Fives want to find out why things are the way they are.
Being Fives’ relentless pursuit of knowledge are deep insecurities about their ability to function successfully in the world. Fives feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others.
Knowledge, understanding, and insight are thus highly valued by Fives, because their identity is built around having ideas and being someone who has something unusual and insightful to say.
They develop an intense focus on whatever they can master and feel secure about.
Whatever the sources of their anxieties may be—relationships, lack of physical strength, inability to gain employment, and so forth—average Fives tend not to deal with these issues. Rather, they find something else to do that will make them feel more competent.
CHILDHOOD PATTERN
Fives often report that as children, they did not feel safe in their families; they felt in danger of being overwhelmed by their parents, and so they started looking for a way that they could feel secure and confident. First, they retreated from the family into their own private space—mentally, physically, and emotionally. Second, they turned their attention away from their personal and emotional needs onto something “objective.”
Young Fives typically spend long periods on their own; they are quiet children who shy away from playing with others, instead occupying their minds and imaginations.
Fives do not expect anything from others, except to be left alone to pursue their own interests, unimpeded by anyone else’s demands or needs, especially their emotional needs.
Fives are psychologically stuck in the separation phase of childhood—the period around two to three-and-a-half years old—when children are learning to operate independently of their mothers. Young Fives felt that the only way to become independent was to make themselves not want nurturing and emotional connection with their mothers. Learning to cut themselves off from nurturance—even from desiring it—becomes a way of defending themselves against further hurts and frustrations. To leave the safety of their minds, to reoccupy the body and feelings, is to re-experience the primal frustration and anguish of their infant selves.
THE FIVE WITH A FOUR-WING: THE ICONOCLAST
Healthy. Curiosity and perceptiveness combine in this subtype with the desire to express a unique, personal vision. These people are more emotional, introspective, and creative than Fives with a Six-wing. Often drawn to the arts, they use their imagination more than the analytic, systematic parts of their minds.
Average. They are more independent than the other subtype and resist having structures imposed on them. Their interests tend toward the surreal and fantastic rather than the rational or the romantic.
THE FIVE WITH A SIX-WING: THE PROBLEM-SOLVER
Healthy. Observation combined with organization and detail gives people of this subtype the ability to draw meaningful conclusions from miscellaneous facts and to make predications based on those conclusions. They are often drawn to technical subjects: engineering, science, and philosophy, as well as inventing and repair work. They can be cooperative, disciplined, and persistent and are more interested in practical matters than the other subtype.
Average. Perhaps the most purely intellectual of all of the subtypes, these people are interested in theories, technology, and acquiring facts and details.
THE SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE FIVE.
Isolation and Hoarding. In the average range, Self-Preservation Fives attempt to gain independence and separation by reducing their needs. Self-Preservation Fives conserve their energy and resources in order to avoid needing others too much. They can be very private and protective of their home and work space. Self-Preservation Fives are the true loners of the Enneagram, loving solitude and generally avoiding social contact.
THE SOCIAL INSTINCT IN THE FIVE
The Specialist. In the average range, Social Fives engage with others and find a social niche for themselves through their knowledge and skill. The most intellectual type of Five, Social Fives are often drawn to academics, science, and other forms of guru-hood. They interact with others by debating ideas, critiquing society, and analyzing trends. They can become socially ambitious in the sense of wanting to be part of the intellectual or artistic elite.
THE SEXUAL INSTINCT IN THE FIVE
“This Is My World.” In the average range, the detachment and avoidance characteristics of Fives clash with the Sexual Variant’s desire for intense connection. Sexual Fives like sharing secret information with their intimates. But they are always experiencing some degree of tension between pursuing those they are attracted to and lacking confidence in their social skills. Thus Sexual Fives are driven to engage intensely with people, although often with anxiety and a tendency to withdraw at a moment’s notice. They are more affable and talkative than the other two Instinctual Variants of Type Five. Strong sexuality gives Sexual Fives the impetus to risk emotional contact and also provides relief from their constant mental activity. It becomes a way to ground themselves. But in less healthy Fives, the mix of imagination and sexuality can become dark and fetishistic: they can become lost in disturbing fantasies and dreams. They are often drawn, through voyeurism, into dangerous lifestyles and can be attracted to society’s underbelly.
THE WAKE-UP CALL FOR TYPE FIVE: RETREATING INTO THEIR MINDS
When Fives move into their heads, they cease connecting directly with their experience and instead become more engaged with their mental commentary on the experience. They turn experiences into concepts and then see how those concepts fit in with their previous understanding of reality.
PROMPT: RECONNECTING WITH THE WORLD
Look around the room you are now in, and in your Inner Work Journal list all of the things that you never noticed up to this point. See what you have missed or overlooked. How many new things, colors, irregularities, or features of the room can you now find? When we are present, we notice everything. But when we go into our heads, we do not notice much.
Whenever you are in a new place, you can practice this exercise. First, however, you must become present by sensing yourself and breathing. Then look at your world as if you have never seen it before. If you are a Five, you can use this exercise to reconnect with the world and “activate” your Wake-Up Call.
THE SOCIAL ROLE: THE EXPERT
As Fives become more insecure, they find it more and more difficult to relate to other people except through the role of being an Expert.
PROMPT: WHAT WILL REALLY BUILD CONFIDENCE?
Notice your dependency on certain areas of interest. How does this area of expertise make you feel about yourself? How does it feel to relate to others without discussing your areas or expertise? Are there other areas of your life that you are neglecting that cause you shame or anxiety? Are you focusing on your niche to the exclusion of developing some of these other areas?
AVARICE AND FEELING SMALL
The Passion of the Five (their “Capital Sin”) is avarice, a particular emotional distortion resulting from their feeling that they are small and incapable of defending themselves in the world. Fear makes Fives shrink inward, and avarice makes them try to hoard whatever minimal resources they have at their disposal. Fives feel as thought there is not much of them to go around, and that the needs of others can easily deplete or exhaust them.
Actually, Fives are among the least materialistic of the types and are happy with very few creature comforts. They are avaricious, however, about their time, energy and resources. They are greedy for knowledge and for the means of improving their skills and expertise.
INABILITY TO BRING CLOSURE: PREPARATION MODE
Average Fives often get locked into what we call preparation mode. They gather more and more information, or endlessly practice, never feeling that they are prepared enough to move into action. Fine-tuning and analysis bog them down in details so that they cannot see the forest for the trees.
PROMPT: BRINGING YOUR IDEAS TO FRUITION
You are most effective when you stop refining concepts and actually get into action. Whenever possible, find people that you can share your ideas with. A group of creative or intellectual peers who are interested in your work can help you to keep things moving. Also, although you are not keen on collaboration, it can be very useful in keeping you from collapsing into preparation mode.
DETACHMENT AND WITHDRAWAL
Fives are the most independent and idiosyncratic of the personality types, the ones who could most appropriately be called loners and even misfits. This does not mean that Fives always want to be alone, or that they cannot be excellent company when they are with others. When Fives find someone whose intelligence and interest they respect, they are invariably talkative and sociable because they enjoy sharing their insights and discoveries with anyone who appreciates what they have to say. Their willingness to share their knowledge, however, is not the same as sharing information about themselves
Fives, like Nines, have trouble maintaining their sense of self and their own needs when in relationship with others. Unlike Nines, however, Fives attempt to regain their priorities and sense of self by avoiding people.
Most Fives will also shun those who are trying to help them. (To be rescued is to have their helplessness and incompetence emphasized, reinforcing their Basic Fear.)
PROMPT: THE ROOTS OF ISOLATION
In your Inner Work Journal, record your observation about isolation. What kinds of situations cause you to detach emotionally? What are your attitudes about people at such times? About social life? About yourself? Can you recall incidences from your childhood that you feel reinforced this tendency in you? Did you feel engulfed by others’ needs or intruded upon? The next time you are with people, see if you can catch yourself emotionally detaching or feeling isolated. What would it take to be in relationship with others and not lose your own sense of purpose?
MINIMIZING NEEDS: BECOMING A “DISEMBODIED MIND”
They types of the Thinking Triad attempt to make up for the loss of inner guidance by developing strategies. The Five’s strategy is to get through life by not asking much pop it, while hoping that in return others will not ask much of them. They attempt to maintain their independence by minimizing their needs.
PROMPT: STAY GROUNDED
Fives need to get into their bodies. Yoga, martial arts, working out, running, sports, or just a good brisk walk can all help Fives to reconnect with their physical and emotional presence. Pick one activity that you can commit to on a regular basis. In your Inner Work Journal, write down your chosen activity. Also write a commitment to how many times a week you will engage in your physical activity, sign it, and return to it. Leave some space to write further comments on your experience with your commitment and about what takes place in you as you get more grounded. What feelings arise when you don’t keep your commitment? What happens to your sense of yourself when you do your activity? How does it affect your thinking?
GETTING LOST IN SPECULATION AND ALTERNATIVE REALITIES
Unhealthy Fives can get trapped in bizarre “realities” entirely of their own making, like dreamers caught in nightmares from which they cannot awaken
PROMPT: BALANCING THE INNER AND OUTER WORLDS
Fantasizing, theorizing, and speculating can all be enjoyable pastimes, but learn to honestly assess when you are using them to avoid more troubling issues in your real life. How many hours of your day are spent in these pursuits? What might you do with your time if you cut back your investments in these cerebral activities?
UNCONSCIOUS ANXIETIES AND TERRIFYING THOUGHTS
Fives think a lot about the things that they find the most frightening. Fives try to control fear by focusing their thoughts on the frightening thing itself, not on their feeling about it. But they cannot wholly avoid the emotional impact of these ideas. Fives believe that their own thoughts are the only aspect of reality that can be completely trusted.
PROMPT: STARING INTO THE ABYSS
Observe your attraction to the “dark side” of life. While this orientation may be useful in understanding this aspect of human existence, beware of a tendency to become obsessed with such matters. Notice how these interests affect your sleep habits. Many Fives also find it helpful to investigate possible traumas in their childhood or infancy. These traumatic events lead to a compulsive interesting disturbing subjects. Is your interest in these topics harming your ability to function in the world?
ARGUMENTATIVENESS, NIHILISM, AND EXTREMISM
Every type has aggressions. Because their own ideas are virtually the only source of security Fives have, they propound and defend them with passion. Low-average Fives are antagonistic toward anyone or anything that interferes with their inner world and personal vision. They may affront, provoke, or shock others with intentionally extreme views. They can feel intellectually superior by rejecting the “stupidity’ and “blindness” of others. Of all the types, Fives are the most prone to feelings of meaninglessness, and many Fives become deeply skeptical about the existence of benevolent forces in the universe.
PROMPT: UNSETTLING OTHERS
When you find yourself getting into debates with people or otherwise worked up, notice what you are feeling in your body. How important is it to make the point you are driving home? What effect are you trying to produce in the other? What motives or beliefs are you ascribing to them? What are you afraid of?
REACTING TO STRESS: FIVE GOES TO SEVEN
Fives attempt to cope with stress by becoming increasingly narrow in their focus and by retreating into the sanctuary of their thoughts. When this method of coping fails to allay their anxiety, they may go to Seven, reacting against their isolation by impulsively throwing themselves into activities. Like average Sevens, they bounce from activity to activity, from idea to idea, but seem unable to find or connect with anything that satisfies them.
Warning Signs:
-Increasing tendency to isolate themselves
-Chronic physical neglect, letting themselves go
-Chronic and severe insomnia, nightmares, and sleep disorders
-Increasing eccentricity—loss of interest in social skills
-Refusing help, or even hostile to it
-Distorted perceptions, hallucinations
-Talk of suicide
Potential Pathology: Schizoid, Schizotypal, and Avoidant Personality Disorders, psychotic breaks, dissociation, depression and suicide
PRACTICES THAT HELP FIVES DEVELOP
-Remember that your mind is clearest and most powerful when it is quiet. Take the time to cultivate this quiet in yourself, and do not confuse it with an insistence that your external world be silent. Rather, learn to notice your nonstop internal commentary on all of your experiences. What arises when you simply take in an impression of the moment without connection it with what you think you already know? Being connected with your physical sensations will greatly help you quiet your mind.
-Use your body! Of all the types, you probably feel you could almost do without your body. When your body is awake and your blood is flowing, your mind is much sharper and you have more internal resource.
-Make the effort to reach out to others, especially when you are feeling vulnerable and afraid. As a Five, you have been conditioned not to expect support from anyone, even to be suspicious of help.
-Think carefully about what areas are most debilitating to your self-confidence. Explore more directly some of the areas of your life that you have cut off.
-Risk feeling your grief. Most Fives split off their awareness from their pains and hurts, especially from feelings of rejection. In a safe and appropriate place, allow yourself to sense your heart and the feelings that are locked there.
-As you become more balanced and grounded in your body, let the world in. You will not lose yourself, you will gain the world. Remember, this is your life: you are not an abstraction, and your presence here can and does matter.
The Five’s main gifts to the world involve their tremendous insight and understanding, coupled with some area of expertise. Healthy Fives can entertain many different perspectives without being attached to any of them. Fives do not lost their childhood curiosity: they keep asking questions, such as, “Why is the sky blue?” Fives do not take anything for granted. Fives also seem to have an extraordinary ability to concentrate and to focus their attention, and they can do so for long periods of time. Focus and patience give them the ability to stay with projects long enough to mine gold from them. Because of their curiosity and open-mindedness, healthy Fives are highly innovative and inventive.
THE PATH OF INTEGRATION: FIVE GOES TO EIGHT
Fives actualize themselves and remain healthy by learning to reclaim and occupy their physical presence and their instinctual energy in the manner of healthy Eights. This is because the basis of confidence, the feeling of being full, strong and capable, arises from the instinctual energy of the body, not from mental structures. Thus, integrating Fives grow by coming down out of their heads, and coming into deeper contact with their vitality and physicality. The mind feels safe, reliable, and impregnable; the body feels weak, vulnerable, and unreliable.
The “wrong turn” that Fives make is to become identified with their observations of their experiences rather than their experiences themselves. When they are present and grounded, Fives are able to know exactly what they need to know, when they need to know it. Liberated Fives know that they do not have to be afraid of reality because they are part of it.
Einstein once said, “The only question worth asking is, ‘Is the universe friendly?’” Liberated Fives have an answer to that question. They are enraptured by what they see rather than scared to death, and they become truly visionary, potentially bringing revolutionary change to their field of endeavor.
The Fives drive for knowledge and mastery is the personality’s attempt to re-create an Essence quality that we might call clarity or inner knowing. With clarity comes the Essential quality of non attachment, which is not emotional repression or detachment but the lack of identification with any particular point of view.
Liberated Fives remember the spaciousness and clarity of the Divine Mind, what the Buddhists call “the shinning Void,” or Sunyata, the quiet mind, undisturbed vastness from which everything arises, including all knowledge and creativity.
Self-image: “I am smart, curious, and independent.”
Healthy Range
Level 1: Participating, Visionary
Level 2: Observant, Perceptive
Level 3: Focused, Innovative
Average Range
Level 4: Conceptualizing, Preparing
Level 5: Detached, Preoccupied
Level 6: Extreme, Provocative
Unhealthy Range
Level 7: Nihilistic, Eccentric
Level 8: Horrified, Delirious
Level 9: Seeking Oblivion, Self-Annihilating
TYPE SIX: THE LOYALIST
The Guardian, The True Believer, The Doubter, The Troubleshooter, The Traditionalist, The Stalwart
Basic Fear: Of having no support and guidance, of being unable to survive on their own
Basic Desire: To find security and support
Superego Message: “You are good or okay if you do what is expected of you.”
The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious
We have named the personality type Six the Loyalist because, of all the personality types, Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and tot their beliefs. They will go down with the ship and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most other types. Sixes are also loyal to ideas, systems, and beliefs—even to the belief that all ideas or authorities should be questioned or defied.
They will typically fight for their belief more fiercely than they will fight for themselves, and they will defend their community or family more tenaciously than they will defend themselves.
Sixes are the primary type in the Thinking Triad, meaning that they have the most trouble contacting their own inner guidance. As a result, they do not have confidence in their own minds and judgements. They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them.
Sixes are always aware of their anxieties and are always looking for ways to construct “social security” bulwarks against them. A good question for Sixes might therefore be: “When will I know that I have enough security?” Or to get right to the heart of it, “What is security?”
Because “belief” (trust, faith, convictions, positions) is difficult for Sixes to achieve, and because it is so important to their sense of stability, once they establish a trustworthy belief, they do not easily question it, nor of they want others to do so.
They are both strong and weak, fearful and courageous, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, sweet and sour, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, group people and soloists, believers and doubters, cooperative and obstructionistic, tender and mean, generous and petty—and on and on. It is the contradictory picture that is the characteristic “fingerprint” of Sixes, the fact that they are a bundle of opposites.
THE CHILDHOOD PATTERN
The separation phase. One of the most important ingredients that helps the child find the courage to separate from the mother is the presence of the father-figure. If the Six child perceives that the father’s support for independence is insufficient, he may feel in danger of being overwhelmed by the mother and all she represents to him. This heightens the child’s need to keep up his guard and leads to Type Six’s deep ambivalence and anxiety about trust, nurturance, and closeness. Thus, Sixes long for approval and closeness but feel the need to defend against it at the same time. They want to be supported but not overwhelmed.
To resolve this dilemma, Sixes try to form an alliance with the father-figure. But this usually leads to ambivalence—the father-figure/authority seems either too strict and controlling, or too unsupportive and uninterested. Many Sixes end up in an uneasy compromise: they offer outward obedience yet retain a feeling of independence through inward rebellion and cynicism, as well as large and small acts of passive-aggression.
THE SIX WITH A FIVE-WING: THE DEFENDER
Healthy. People of this subtype often excel at various kinds of technical expertise, making them outstanding practical problem-solvers, social commentators, teachers and opinion leaders.
Average. They are more independent and serious than the other subtype, and less likely to go to others for reassurance or advice. They are often loners. They get reassurance from systems and beliefs, while remaining skeptical. People of this subtype tend to see the world as dangerous, leading to partisan stances and reactionary positions.
THE SIX WITH A SEVEN-WING: THE BUDDY
Healthy. Engaging and funny, people of this subtype are less serious than the other subtype—they tend to avoid “heavy” topics and restrict their focus to their security needs (taxes, bills, office politics, and the like). People of this subtype combine interpersonal qualities with energy, humor, and a zest for experience.
Average. These people are eager to be liked and accepted, but they are also more hesitant to speak out about themselves or their problems. While sociable, they are also visibly insecure and depend on loved ones for reassurance and advice before coming to important decisions. Anxiety about personal failings or important relationships can lead to depression.
SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE SIX
Responsibility. In the average range, Self-Preservation sixes attempt to allay their survival anxieties by working hard to build up security through mutual responsibility. They offer service and commitment with the expectation that it will be reciprocated by others.Self-Preservation Sixes do not easily disguise their anxiety and neediness. In fact, they may use it to gain allies and supporters—vulnerability can elicit help from others. Self-Preservation Sixes are usually frugal, and worry a great deal about financial matters. Conflicts with others over resources are common. In the unhealthy range, Self-Preservation Sixes are extremely clingy, dependent and panicky. They stay in punishing situations—bad marriages or overly stressful jobs—because they are terrified of being without support.
THE SOCIAL INSTINCT IN THE SIX
Generating Support. In the average range, Social Sixes handle anxiety by looking to friends and allies for reassurance and support. They project friendliness and attempt to create bonds with others, disarming them with warmth and humor. They often make fun of themselves while offering support and affection to others, and they can sometimes be mistaken for Twos. Social Sixes can also sometimes resemble Ones in their adherence to protocols and procedures. They look for reassurance through commitments, obligations, and contracts—insurance that their hard work will to be taken advantage of. If frustrated, they can develop passive-aggressive issues with authorities and friends. In the unhealthy range, Social Sixes may become attracted to fanatical beliefs, causes, and groups. They may develop an “us against the world” mentality, feeling besieged by a hostile environment (somewhat like an unhealthy Eight).
THE SEXUAL INSTINCT IN THE SIX
Symbols of Power and Connection. In the average range, Sexual Sixes develop physical strength, power, and/or physical attractiveness to feel safe. More aggressive Sexual Sixes rely on strength and displays of toughness that can resemble Type Eight (“Don’t mess with me”), while more phobic Sexual Sixes use their sexuality and coquettishness to disarm others and attract support in ways that can resemble Type Four. They mask their insecurities through open assertion and defiance of authority, or through flirtation and seduction. Sexual Sixes are more openly defiant of authority than the other Instinctual Variants of the Six, especially when anxious. They are also the most doubting of others and of themselves.
In the unhealthy range, Sexual Sixes can be depressive and erratic, especially if they feel that their reactivity has undermined or ruined their intimate connections. Impulsive, self-destructive behavior alternates with irrational lashing out. Paranoia may become part of the picture.
THE WAKE-UP CALL FOR THE SIX: LOOKING FOR A SURE THING (GUIDANCE AND SUPPORT OUTSIDE THEMSELVES)
Average Sixes are frequently about the future. Because they have serious doubts about themselves and the world, they start to look for a “sure thing” that will guarantee their security. Most Sixes have more than one sure thing—just in case. Sixes are seeking assurance and insurance, trying to hedge their bets. They increasingly turn to safe bets, reliable procedures, and tried-and-true methods for solving problems.
PROMPT: DARING TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART
Sixes tend to err on the side of caution, thus missing many possibilities for self-development and fulfillment. In your Inner Work Journal, record any examples of times in your life when you let significant opportunities for growth and challenge pass you by. Why did you decide to let them go? Would belief in your own abilities have changed the outcome? Recall some times when you did fly against common sense and took a chance. We are not referring to impulsive acting out but rather to those times when you consciously chose to stretch yourself. What was the outcome? How did you feel at the time? Are there areas in your life now where you know that you are resisting your true desires out of fear or doubts about yourself? What can you do differently?
THE SOCIAL ROLE: THE STALWART
Average Sixes want to reinforce their support system, to strengthen their alliances and/or their position with authorities. As a defense against growing anxiety or uncertainty, Sixes become invested in particular beliefs, be they political, philosophical, or spiritual. Sixes would like a guarantee that if they do all they are supposed to do, then God (or the company, or their family) will take care of them. There is nothing that Sixes can do in the external world that will make them feel secure if they are insecure within themselves.
PROMPT: WHAT SUPPORTS YOU?
Examine the “social security” systems you have created in your own life. Have they really made you more secure? What have they cost you? What would you do without one of them? Beyond these investments of your time and energy, consider all the different ways that your life is supported every day. (Hint: Did you grow, process, and package the food you had today?)
FEAR, ANXIETY AND DOUBT
Fear has been assigned as the “Passion” (or underlying emotional distortion) of the Six, since the root of so much of Type Six’s behavior is based on insecurity and reactions to fear. Although Sixes can appear on the surface to be extremely friendly and people-oriented, they often harbor deep fears that others will abandon them, reject them, or harm them. Unlike other types who repress (or at least distract themselves from) their fears and anxieties, Sixes seem to be constantly conscious of them.
PROMPT: EXPLORING ANXIETY
In your Inner Work Journal, can you list ten or more instances or ares where fear, anxiety, or doubt habitually show up? Can you identify particular times, people, places, or other triggers that get you revved up with anxiety and tension? While there is clearly a negative component to these states, can you also discern a positive payoff that you might also unwittingly be seeking—such as gaining sympathy rom others, or their protection? How do you complain or otherwise show your displeasure? What would it be like to not behave this way? What do you think would be gained? What would be lost?
SEEKING SUPPORT FOR INDEPENDENCE
Although sixes want to feel supported by others, they do not want to be engulfed by anyone, and it feels uncomfortable when someone starts to overwhelm them with too much attention or closeness. The irony is that the more insecure and lacking confidence they are, the more Sixes rely on eternal support, and the more they lose their independence.
PROMPT: UNDOING ”AMNESIA OF SUCCESS”
You are much more capable than you realize. Everyone needs assistance and support from time to time, but you sometimes undervalue your contribution to the support of others. Take a moment to list the ways that you have supported significant people in your life. Then make a list of ways that you have supported yourself. In this second list, make sure to include important accomplishments that made you feel good about yourself/ Study these lists. Which is longer? How do you feel about each of these lists?
LOOKING FOR ANSWERS
More insecure Sixes will tend to simply accept the ideas of others, but even in this case, they can also resist and question them aggressively. Either way, their natural response is first to look outside of themselves for something to believe, and if that fails, to react against it and look for something else. Doubt, questioning, believing, searching, skepticism, and resistance are always part of the picture. Once Sixes feel that they have found a “good” authority they strongly identify with it and internalize its values and teachings. Sixes are cautious and skeptical about taking on new beliefs or relationships. Should Sixes have any reason to suspect their authority or being unjust or unwise, their feelings of doubt can blossom quickly into rebellion or rejection.
PROMPT: QUESTIONING THE ROOTS OF YOUR BELIEFS
What are the foundations of your belief-system? Are these based o n your own experiences or on the authority of trusted friends, mentors, books, or teachings? How do you evaluate the truth or falseness of a belief?
SEEKING STRUCTURE
Sixes dislike having too many options. They feel more confidence in situations with well-defined procedures, guidelines, and rule. Many Sixes find a great deal of flexibility and creativity within the security of known boundaries.
PROMPT: TRUSTING YOUR OWN INNER KNOWING
Watch for times in which you or someone else has a question about what to do in a situation. For example, there might be a question about how to approach a problem at work, or a friend might come to you for advice about a marriage. Notice how you approach the problem. Do you rely on precedents? (“The company policy on that is…” or “The spiritual teachings that I’ve learned says…”) Or do you turn to your own intelligence—especially the intelligence of your heart and instincts?
OVERCOMMITMENT AND “COVERING ALL THE BASES”
Sixes try to fulfill their commitments to many different people and situations, but inevitably they find it impossible to satisfy everyone.
PROMPT: BEING THERE FOR EVERYONE
Look for areas in your life where you have tended to overcommit yourself. What was your motivation for doing so? What prevented you from saying no when you were overbooked? What was the result of your overcommitment for you? For others?
THE INNER COMMITTEE
While Ones have a powerful inner critic in their heads, Sixes have an inner committee. Sixes often check in with them, imagining what their response would be to a given situation. Thus, when then have to make a decision, Sixes will feel caught between various internal voices arguing for different positions and responsibilities. Their unending inner conversation clutters the quiet of the mind and blocks the inner guidance of Essence. They need to fire their inner committee.
PROMPT: FIRING THE INNER COMMITTEE
Are you aware of your inner committee? Who sits on it? In the past, when you’ve tried to imagine the responses of your allies and authorities, have their real responses been the way you imagined them?
VIGILANCE, SUSPICION, AND CATASTROPHIZING
Because of their feelings of being unsupported, Sixes develop an extraordinary sensitivity to danger signals. This is even truer if they grew up in an environment that was unsafe or unstable, or if they were traumatized in some way. Many Sixes remain hyper alert and hyper vigilant even when no danger is present. Average Sixes can also become very pessimistic and sour. They may have extremely low self-esteem and “amnesia” about their past successes and accomplishments. Sixes feel that any small mishap could be their undoing. They make mountains out of molehills and can be relied on to come up with all the reasons why a project or endeavor will not work.
PROMPT: OVERCMONIG PESSIMISM
Learn to discern real danger from potential ones. How often do you expect bad outcomes? Do you have trouble believing that things will work out? Do you choose to think about problems or is it a reflex? While anticipating future problems may have some usefulness, it more generally leads you away from dealing with the reality of here and now—the one place you can find the steadiness and guidance to move into the next moment.
BLAMING AND VICTIMIZATION
To the degree that they feel powerless to do anything constructive themselves, Sixes may act out their anxieties by complaining and blaming others. Sixes more commonly discharge their anxieties by complaining to third parties about the people with whom they are frustrated. Sixes feel put upon and victimized and frequently fall into the habit of complaining without taking any definite action that would change the situation.
PROMPT: WHY IS EVERYBODY MESSING UP MY LIFE?
How may of your conversations involve complaining? About your job, relationships, children, parents, sports team, politics, or even the weather? When you are complaining about a person, have you discussed this matter fully with that person? Who or what are you blaming for the problems in your life?
REACTING TO STRESS: SIX GOES TO THREE
Sixes tirelessly invest their time and energy in their “security systems.” When stress increases beyond their normal ability to cope, Sixes may go to Three and become even more driven and potentially workaholic. Sixes at Three become more image-conscious, developing the right look, gestures, jargon, and attitude to be acceptable to their peers. They hope in this way to win people over and avoid rejection. Like Threes, Sixes can become competitive, although usually through identification with groups of beliefs. They may also become boastful and self-promoting, adopting condescending attitudes, dismissing others, and hyping their own superiority in a desperate attempt to defend against their low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority.
Warning Signs:
-Intense anxiety and panic attacks
-Acute inferiority feelings and chronic depression
-Constant fear of losing support from others
-Alternating dependency and impulsive displays of defiance
-Keeping “bad company” and attachments to abusive relationships
-Extreme suspiciousness and paranoia
-Hysterical lashing-out at perceived enemies
Potential Pathology: Paranoid, Dependent, and Borderline Personality Disorders, Dissociative Disorders, and passive-aggressive behaviors, intense anxiety attacks.
PRACTICES THAT HELP SIXES DEVELOP
-Notice how much time you spend trying to figure out how to handle possible future problems. In reality, how often do these imagined events come to pass? Quieting the mind through disciplined meditation practices, especially those that focus on the body, can help Sixes clear out the chorus of voices in their heads. Remember, inner knowing usually does not speak using words.
-When you achieve a goal, large or small, stop long enough to relax, breathe, and savor the moment. Take in the impression of your competence. Remember this impression. This memory will come to your aid when you doubt your ability to cope at other times.
-Get in the practice of noticing what you trust and how you come to decisions. Notice especially the procedures or allies you automatically turn to when you are unsure of yourself. Many internal voices may clamor, but understand what they are—fearful aspects of your imagination and your superego, and no more.
-Take risks, especially when it comes to moving out of familiar, safe patterns. Remember, it is your own courage and strength that ultimately are required (and available) for such explorations.
-Seek out diversity and variety.
-Learn to cultivate quiet time for yourself. You benefit greatly from contact with nature.
Healthy Sixes are endowed with tremendous endurance and achieve their objectives through steady and persistent efforts. They believe in the adage “Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration.” They organize resources, prioritize tasks, and see projects through, feeling that their personal value rests on their reliability and on the quality of the work they produce.
Because of their underlying vigilance and sensitivity to danger signals, Sixes also foresee problems.
Their diligence can alert them to discrepancies in systems to potential problems, or to inaccurate or contradictions in the statement of others.
While high-functioning Sixes are deeply loyal and committed to others, they are also committed to learning more about themselves. Committing to their own development helps Sixes build strong self-esteem and see themselves as the equal of others—equally competent, equally worthy of respect and rewards.
High-functioning Sixes are self-confident and self-affirming cause they have learned to recognize and trust their own inner guidance. They nurture an egalitarian spirit, a sense that there really are no leaders and followers, just different people with different talents finding ways to combine them for a common good.
THE PATH OF INTEGRATION: SIX GOES TO NINE
Sixes become actualized and remain healthy by becoming balanced in their instincts and grounded in their bodies like healthy Nines. Attending to the immediacy of their sensory impressions acts as a counterbalance to the Six’s nonstop thinking and gives them something else to identify with.
If Sixes are able to sense themselves and their anxious feelings without reacting to them, they begin to come into a more open and trusting experience of life. Trying to be easy-going or passive will not negate a Six’s anxieties and may even increase the churning of her mind.
Sixes achieve transformation by confronting their Basic Fear of being without support and guidance. As they do so, they begin to experience a vast, empty inner space, and they may sometimes feel as though they are falling into it. If they can tolerate this sensation, this space may change and feel solid or become intensely shiny and luminous—or it could transform itself in numerous ways. Sixes then come to recognize that the inner space they experience is actually the very support they have been looking for. It is free, open, and infinitely wise and patient. When this spaciousness is present, Sixes feel self-reliant, courageous, and brilliantly intelligent—in short, all of the qualities they have been looking for.
When their minds become quiet, Sixes experience an inner spaciousness that is Grounded of Being. They realize that Essence is real and is not simply an idea; in fact, it is the thing that is most real in existence, the very foundation of existence itself. When Sixes experience this truth, they feel solid, steady, and supported, as if they were standing on a massive bed of granite. They realize that this ground is the only real security in life, and it is what gives Sixes immense courage. This is the real meaning of faith, their particular Essential quality. Faith is not belief, but a real, immediate knowing that comes from experience. Faith without experience is belief. Faith with experience brings reliable guidance.
Self-image: “I am solid, attentive and dependable”
Healthy Range:
Level 1: Self-reliant, Courageous
Level 2: Engaging, Reliable
Level 3: Committee, Cooperative
Average Range:
Level 4: Dutiful, Loyal
Level 5: Ambivalent, Defensive
Level 6: Authoritarian, Blaming
Unhealthy Range:
Level 7: Panicky, Unreliable
Level 8: Paranoid, Lashing Out
Level 9: Self-Abasing, Self-Destructive
TYPE SEVEN: THE ENTHUSIAST
The Generalist, The Multi-Tasker, The Wunderkind, The Dilettante, The Connoisseur, The Energizer
Basic Fear: Of being deprived and trapped in pain
Basic Desire: To be happy, satisfied, to find fulfillment
Superego Message: “You are good or okay if you get what you need”
The Busy, Fun-Loving Type: Spontaneous, Versatile, Acquisitive, and Scattered
The Enthusiast because Sevens are enthusiastic about almost everything that catches their attention. They approach life with curiosity, optimism, and a sense of adventure.
Sevens are in the Thinking Triad. Their thinking is anticipatory: they foresee events and generate ideas on the fly, favoring activities that stimulate their minds…Sevens are not necessarily intellectual or studious by any standard definition, although they are often intelligent and can be widely read and highly verbal. Their minds move rapidly from one idea to the next, making them gifted at brainstorming and synthesizing information.
The root of their problem is common to all of the types of the Thinking Triad: they are out of touch with the inner guidance and support of their Essential nature, and this create a deep anxiety in Sevens. They do not feel that they know how to make choices that will be beneficial to themselves and others.
On a very deep level, Sevens do not feel that they can find what they really want in life. They therefore tend to try everything—and ultimately may even resort to anything as a substitute for what they are really looking for.
On the positive side, Sevens are extremely optimistic people—exuberant and upbeat. They are endowed with abundant vitality and a desire to fully participate in their lives each day. They are naturally cheerful and good-humored, not taking themselves too seriously, or anything else for that matter. When they are balanced within themselves, their joy and enthusiasm for life naturally affect everyone around them. They remind us of the pure pleasure of existence—the greatest gift of all.
CHILDHOOD PATTERN
The Seven’s childhood is flavored by a largely unconscious feeling of disconnection from the nurturing figure. Sevens are sensitive to a very deep frustration resulting from feelings of being cut off from maternal nurturance at an early age. In response, young Sevens unconsciously “decided” to nurture themselves. On an emotional level, they unconsciously decided that they would have to take care of their own needs. The reasons for this preoccupation can vary widely. Perhaps another sibling came along, and the young Seven suddenly found he was displaced from his mother’s attention. Perhaps an early illness curtailed the Seven’s nurturing: either she was ill and needed to be hospitalized or the mother became ill.
Sevens seem to be still in search of transitional objects. As long as Sevens can find and move toward interesting ideas, experiences, people, and “toys,” they are able to repress their underlying feelings of frustration, fear, and hurt.
THE SEVEN WITH A SIX-WING: THE ENTERTAINER
Healthy. People of this subtype are productive and playful, retaining a belief in life’s goodness and the joy of existence. They are often curious and creative, with an excellent sense of humor and a more positive outlook than the other subtype. They seek variety and have the ability to interact easily with people.
Average. Excited by new ideas, fast-talking, witty and engaging, people of this subtype have high energy and provide moments of high spirits for others. They are generally productive but can lose focus, become scattered, with less follow-through than the other subtype. To the extent that they are insecure, there can be a revved-up, manic, nervous quality to them.
THE SEVEN WITH AN EIGHT-WING: THE REALIST
Healthy. People of this subtype truly enjoy the world and are “materialistic” in the broadest sense of the word. They are determined to get what they want from life.
Average. People of this subtype apply their energies in many directions, multitasking or even “multicareering.” They can be aggressive and have the willpower and drive to take care of their own needs. They tend to be more workaholic than the other subtype, coming from the strong desire to accumulate possessions and experiences. They tend to be pragmatic about relationships—looking for a partner, not a romantic fantasy figure. They can be jaded and callous, in contrast to the childish hyper enthusiasm of the Six wing.
THE SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE SEVEN
Getting Mine. In the average range, Self-Preservation Sevens are determined, energetic people, driven to make sure that their basic needs and comforts will always be met. Their attitudes and concerns tend to emphasize the practical and material. Less healthy Self-Preservation Sevens can feel impatient and panicky when their needs are not quickly met. They can be extremely demanding and cranky when frustrated, expecting others to meet their needs as soon as they are expressed—or even sooner. In the unhealthy range, Self-Preservations Sevens can be extremely thoughtless and relentless in pursuit of security needs.
THE SOCIAL INSTINCT IN THE SEVEN
Missing Out. In the average range, Social Sevens often cultivate a group of friends and “advisors” who share enthusiasm and interests with them. These people keep the Seven informed of new possibilities and provide the stimulation and variety that Sevens enjoy. Social Sevens are always on the lookout for a more stimulating setting. Social Sevens also resent authority, seeing it as arbitrary and unnecessary—yet another source of social restriction. Less healthy Social Sevens tend to scatter their energy and resources, to half commit. In the unhealthy range, Social Sevens tend to dissipate their force and talent in endless successions of meetings, social gatherings, and “planning sessions” that are never brought to a conclusion.
THE SEXUAL INSTINCT IN THE SEVEN
The Neophile. In the average range, Sexual Sevens are constantly looking for something new and beyond the ordinary; like Fours, they tend to reject the mundane. In all of their activities and interactions, they want to experience the intense charge of being alive. Sexual Sevens are magnetized by people whom they find interesting or refreshing, When the radar of their sexual instinct locks on to such a person, they do not hesitate to approach the person with charm and genuine interest. Less healthy Sexual Sevens can become fickle—both wit their interests and with their affections. They fear commitment, preferring the intense feelings of infatuation that occur in the earliest stages of a relationship. They become thrill-seekers, looking for more and more extraordinary sources of entertainment while being less and less affected by it.
THE WAKE-UP CALL FOR THE TYPE SEVEN: “THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER”
Sevens’ characteristic temptation is the tendency to become dissatisfied with whatever they are doping or are currently experiencing. The grass is always greener somewhere else.
PROMPT: TRAINING THE MONKEY MIND
Choose any ordinary activity and concentrate on it. As you bring your attention to whatever task you have chosen, also notice when your attention has wandered on to something else. Gently bring your attention back to the original task until it wanders again. Then bring it back again to the task and so forth, repeating the attempt to stay focused. It will generally be difficult to do this, especially in the beginning. If you stay with it, however, and if you are able to identify what is distracting your away from the task, you will have made an enormously valuable insight into the triggers of your Wake-Up Call. Are there physical tensions that are also triggers? Does hunger, tiredness, or anxiety cause you to become distracted?
THE SOCIAL ROLE: THE ENERGIZER
Average Sevens define themselves as the “Energizer,” the person who must pump energy and excitement into a situation so that everyone will be charged up—and so that they can stay excited themselves. Like all Social Roles, however, once it has begun to be identified with, the person finds it increasingly difficult not to act this way. Playing the role of the Energizer, the Spark Plug or Catalyst—as well as coconspirator and tempter into mischief—allows Sevens to become the center of attention. The problem arises when average Sevens begin to function only as superchargers who are outspoken and outrageous, who must be stimulating and dazzling all the time. This inevitably puts an enormous burden on them—and it becomes wearing on other as well.
PROMPT: STIRRING THE POT
When you catch yourself entertaining others—getting the juice flowing, so to speak—notice whom you are doing this for. What does this excited state do for your contact with yourself? With others? Is its satisfying? What do you think would happen if you did not pump up the excitement in your environment?
GLUTTONY AND NEVER BEING SATISFIED
The Seven’s characteristic vice is gluttony, literally the desire to stuff oneself with food—and Sevens can be guilty of overeating and over drinking, just as they can overdo all physical gratifications. Although a literal interpretation of gluttony can sometimes apply to Type Seven, it is more insightful to understand this Passion metaphorically, as the attempt to fill up an inner emptiness with things and experiences.
SEEKING STIMULATION AND ACQUIRING NEW EXPERIENCES
No matter what type we are, we often pursue what we think will makes us happy without considering whether our choices have the capacity to make us happy. Under what circumstances does happiness arise? What makes it endure for more than a little while? How can we increase our happiness without running the risk of going overboard in some way? These kinds of question are the special themes of Type Seven.
PROMPT: FINDING THE GIFT
Notice how the anticipation and desire for other experiences and things prevents you from savoring what you are experiencing right now. To explore this, you can play a game: take a moment to find something of wonder in your immediate experience. What is the gift you are receiving right now?
BOREDOM AND KEEPING THEIR OPTIONS OPEN
Sevens frequently complain about boredom and how much they hate it, although what they call boredom is the anxiety they feel when the environment is not providing adequate stimulation to keep open and other negative feelings at bay. Similarly, feeling restricted and unable to move on creates not only boredom but even panic. They do not want to feel stuck in any situation that would “tie them down” or force them to confront painful feelings before they are ready to do so.
PROMPT: THE “B” WORD
Study what you are calling boredom. What does it feel like in your body? what is the sensation of boredom? As you are able to sense it, what associations or memories does it bring up?
BEING INDISCRIMINATE AND OVERDOING THEIR ACTIVITIES
Average Sevens easily lose a sense of priorities, throwing themselves into constant activity, often overdoing things in many areas of their lives. They tend to be lavish with money to whatever degree their circumstances allow.
PROMPT: REALISTIC SCHEDULES
For a few days, keep track of how long it actually takes you to do things: how long it takes to get to work, to a store, to shop, to meet with a friend, and so forth. See how this fits with your intended schedule. Is it possible to drop one or two activities per day to give yourself a little breathing room and to ensure that you will be able to fully enjoy the experiences you have committed to?
AVOIDING ANXIETY AND PAINFUL FEELINGS
Just as, during wartime, an enemy can jam radio signals by transmitting another, stronger radio signal, Sevens “jam” their own awareness of pain, deprivation, and sadness by constantly keeping their minds occupied with interesting and exciting possibilities. Sevens becomes adept at using their agile minds to reframe their experiences—finding a way to accentuate the positive and deflect their deeper feelings about even major tragedies.
PROMPT: CONTACTING DEEPER FEELINGS
As an Inner Work task, allow yourself to stop and experience your feelings more deeply. Recall a person or event that you know you have strong feelings about. Contemplate that person or event until your feelings begin to emerge. Notice what happens and how long you are able to stay with your feelings before you become aware that your attention has shifted. Can you identify what prevented you from staying with your feelings? What distracted you?
FRUSTRATION, IMPATIENCE, AND SELF-CENTEREDNESS
Sevens can be extremely demanding: the more anxious they become, the more impatient they become with others and with themselves. Nothing is happening fast enough. Nothing meets their needs. Among the three frustration-based types (Fours, Ones and Sevens), Sevens are perhaps the most overt in their expression of displeasure because they are also an assertive type. They are able to openly vent their happiness and frustration about whatever does not please them.
PROMPT: UNCOVERING FRUSTRATION
Observe the energy of frustration in yourself. When you notice that you are frustrated, stop and take a few deep breaths. What does frustration feel like? What happens when you sense it instead of acting it out?
INSENSITIVITY AND IMPULSIVENESS
Since keeping up the momentum of their lives is a primary value, Sevens can take a kind of hit-and-run approach that leaves others hurt and confused. Staying in motion means suppressing guilt and regret about their actions. At their worst, they can be verbally abusive—intensely demanding, pushy, and rather nasty.
PROMPT: CLEANING UP MESSES
People who know you recognize that you do not intend to hurt them, but in more stress-filled periods, you may have done so inadvertently. When appropriate, have a conversation with a friend or loved one whom you fear you may have hurt. Ask their permission to talk with them first, then after you have apologized, hear what they have to say. Share with them your feelings about any aspects that still remain unresolved. This may not be easy for you, but clearing the air this way can go far in reducing your own underlying hurt and anxiety—and your need to bury them in excess and activity.
ESCAPISM, EXCESSIVENESS AND ADDICTION
Average Sevens see themselves as spontaneous and fun-loving, with a live-for-today philosophy. What they are not always aware of, however, is how much this attitude can cover over an increasingly escapist approach to life. Their philosophy is “Enjoy now, pay later.” Sevens are caught in a cycle of anticipation, craving, and excess that we call the chocolate syndrome. One of the most exciting things about getting a box of expensive chocolate is the anticipation of the first bite. Similarly, it is not so much the experience itself but their anticipation of the experience that most excites Sevens.
PROMPT: ACCESSING YOUR FOLLOW-THROUGH
In your Inner Work Journal, make two lists. First, make a list of the major projects you have been as an adult that you did not get around to finishing. Then make a list of the projects you have actually completed. Do you see patterns in both lists? Are you more serious about the excitement of having new plans and possibilities than the excitement of the process and satisfaction of finishing them? To what degree are you “addicted” to staying on the move at the expense of actually accomplishing something important to yourself? What do you think you have been running toward—and what have you been running away from?
REACTING TO STRESS: SEVEN GOES TO ONE
Under increased stress, Sevens become aware that they need to focus their energies if they want to accomplish things. Thus, like average Ones, they begin to feel the need to restrain themselves. Also like average Ones, Sevens under stress attempt to educate others—whether about an exciting book or workshop, a good place to shop, or a particular political or spiritual viewpoint. Their enthusiasm for their own opinions can rapidly shift into a tendency to debate or critique the views of others.
THE RED FLAG: THE SEVEN IN TROUBLE
A fearful recognition that their lives are becoming out of control and that their choices and actions are actually increasing their pain. If Sevens can recognize the truth in these fears, they may begin to turn their lives around and move toward health and liberation. On the other hand, they may become even more scattered, impulsive, and manic, desperately throwing themselves into reckless activities to avoid their pain at any cost. (“Whatever gets you through the night is okay.”)
Warning Signs:
-Extreme dissipation and attempts to escape anxiety
-Serious longstanding and debilitating addictions
-Impulsiveness, offensiveness, and infantile reactions
-Compulsive activities and highly elated mood
-Periods of being out of control
-Mania, depression, and wild mood swings
-Periods of panic and paralyzing terror
Potential Pathology: Manic-Depressive Disorders, Borderline Conditions, some elements of Histrionic Personality Disorder, Obssessive-Compulsive Disorders, substance abuse
PRACTICE THAT HELP SEVENS DEVELOP
-When you are mentally revved up, take a moment to breathe and see what is really going on with you. Notice especially if you are afraid or upset about something
-It is not so much that you ignore your negative feelings as that you process them incompletely. You more or less notice them and then want to move on to the next thing. Really allowing things to affect you, to impact you on a deeper level, is not the same as wallowing in negativity. On the contrary, letting the events of your life, even the painful ones, touch you deeply will only enrich your experience and make your joy more meaningful and real. Simply identifying a feeling, saying to yourself, “I feel sad,” is a beginning, but it is not the same as fully experiencing and being affected by your sadness—or your happiness, for that matter.
-Learn to notice your impatience and its roots. You shortchange yourself both because of your impatience with yourself and with the process of learning and acquiring skills.
-Find the joy of the ordinary. Like Fours, Sevens tend to seek out heightened reality—you like things to be extraordinary, fabulous, exciting, and stimulating. The amazing thing, however, is that when we are present, all of our experiences are extraordinary.
Their varied abilities and interests, enjoyment of work, and extroverted qualities often lead them to success in the world. Sevens, as they say, have their feet on the ground. They are not wool-gathered or idlers—they are engaged with the reality and with the practical business of living life. They understand that they must be realistic, productive, and hardworking to have the financial means to support their many dreams.
Perhaps Type Seven’s greatest gift is the ability to maintain a positive outlook and sense of abundance. When this outlook is tempered by realism and a willingness to deal with difficult feelings, Sevens are able to generate an infectious enthusiasm for whatever situation is at hand. Far from timid, they live fully and encourage others to do the same. (“You only go around once.”) Further, their willingness to explore and to be open to new experiences can lead them to be well rounded and knowledgeable. They truly make the world their home and enjoy sharing with others the riches they find on their journeys.
THE PATH OF INTEGRATION: SEVEN GOES TO FIVE
Sevens actualize themselves and remain healthy by learning to slow down and quiet the rapid activity of their minds so that impressions can affect them more deeply, in the manner of healthy Fives. No longer addicted to seeking extraordinary experiences and distraction, integrating Sevens are able to stay with their observations and experiences long enough to discover all sort of amazing things about themselves and the world around them.
The key thing for Sevens to understand about themselves is that as long as they are directly pursuing happiness and satisfaction, they will never attain them. Fulfillment is not the result of “getting” anything: it is a state of being that arises when we allow the richness of the present moment to touch us. When Sevens understand this and are able to let go of the conditions they place on their happiness, an inner spaciousness opens up, and the simple pleasure of existing arises in them. They understand that Being itself, pure existence, is pleasurable. Thus, they become deeply and profoundly appreciative of life itself.
The most challenging part of the transformative process for Sevens involves their ability to stay in contact with present reality. This is difficult because staying more awake and present eventually brings into consciousness the very pain and deprivation that Sevens have been fleeing. If we cannot be with our pain, we cannot be with our joy. When this work has been done, high-functioning Sevens have the ability to be satisfied with very little because they realize there will always be enough for them and for everyone else. Perhaps their greatest gift is their ability to see the spiritual in the material world—to perceive the Divine in the ordinary.
The Seven personifies the quality of joy, the final stage that human beings were meant to be in. Joy is a natural experience that arises spontaneously when we experience ourself as Being—when we are free of the endless chatter, planning, and projects of our ego minds.
Above all, Sevens realize on the most profound level of their consciousness that life really is a gift. When we have no claims on life, everything becomes a Divine gift capable of sweeping us into ecstasy.
Self-image: “ I am happy, spontaneous, and outgoing.”
Healthy Range
Level 1: Joyful, Satisfied
Level 2: Anticipating, Enthusiastic
Level 3: Realistic, Productive
Average Range
Level 4: Acquisitive, Consuming
Level 5: Distracted, Scattered
Level 6: Self-Centered, Excessive
Unhealthy Range
Level 7: Insatiable, Escaping
Level 8: Manic (Depressive), Reckless
Level 9: Overwhelmed, Paralyzed
TYPE EIGHT: THE CHALLENGER
The Leader, The Protector, The Provider, The Entrepreneur, The Maverick, The Rock
Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others, of violation
Basic Desire: To protect themselves, to determine their own course in life
Superego Message: “You are good or oaky if you are strong and in control of your situation.”
The Powerful, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational
Personality type Eight the Challenger because, of all the types, Eights enjoy taking on challenges themselves as well as giving others opportunities that challenge them to exceed themselves in some way. They are charismatic and have the physical and psychological capacities to persuade others to follow them into all kinds of endeavors—from starting a company, to rebuilding a city, to running a household, to waging war, to making peace. Eights have enormous willpower and vitality, and they feel most alive when they are exercising these capacities in the world. They use their abundant energy to effect change in their environment—to leave their mark on it—but also to keep the environment, and especially other people, from hurting them and those they care about. At an early age, Eights understand that this requires strength, will, persistence, and endurance—qualities that they develop in themselves and that they look for in others.
Eights do not want to be controlled or to allow others to have power over them (their Basic Fear), whether the power is psychological, sexual, social, or financial.
Being in charge and leaving their imprint on their sphere is uniquely characteristic of them.
Eights are the true “rugged individualists” of the Enneagram. More than any other type, they stand alone. They want to be independent and resist being indebted to anyone. They often refuse to give in to social convention, and they can defy fear, shame, and concern about the consequences of their actions. Although they are usually aware of what people think of them, they do not let the opinions of others sway them.
Although, to some extent, Eights fear physical harm, far more important is their fear of being disempowered or controlled in some way. Eights are extraordinarily tough and can absorb a great deal of physical punishment without complaint.
The more Eights build up their egos in order to protect themselves, the more sensitive they become to any real or imaginary slight to their self-respect, authority, or preeminence. The more they attempt to make themselves impervious to hurt or pain (whether physical or emotional), the more they shut down emotionally to become hardened and rock-like. When Eights are emotionally healthy, however, they have a resourceful, can-do attitude as a steady inner drive. They take the initiative and make things happen with a great passion for life. They are honorable and authoritative—natural leaders who have a solid commanding presence. Their roundedness gives them abundant common sense as well as the ability to be decisive. Eights are willing to take the heat, knowing that any decision cannot please everyone. But as much as possible, they want to look after the interests of the people in their charge without playing favorites. They use their talents and fortitude to construct a better world for everyone in their lives.
THE CHILDHOOD PATTERN
Most Eights have told us that they felt that they had to become “adults” at an early age. Other Eights grow up in fairly normal families but may have felt the need to protect their feelings for other reasons. In shirt, Eights tend to grow up quickly, and survival issues are foremost to them.
Young Eights soon get the idea that it is not safe to be gentle or giving. These attitudes feel “soft” and “weak” and in their minds only invite rejection, betrayal, and pain. Eights often report that as children, they struggled with powerful feelings of having been rejected and betrayed. Rather than detach or withdraw from their punishers, young Eights defend themselves against the feeling of rejection with the attitude, “To hell with them. Who needs them? No one tells me what to do!”
Young Eights may learn to play the role of the Scapegoat (the Black Sheep or the Problem Child). As adults, Eights become mavericks, rebelling against restraints and bucking the system whenever possible.
Eight consider betrayal to be a pivotal point in their lives because it marked the death of their innocence and goodness.
Once the heart has been buried, even tried over lost innocence can be forgotten.
THE EIGHT WITH A SEVEN-WING: THE INDEPENDENT
Healthy. Having a quick mind combined with a vision for practical possibilities, people of this subtype are often charismatic and able to attract the support of others to join in their vision. This is the most independent subtype, often entrepreneurial, and interested in creating projects that will ensure their independence.
Average. People of this subtype are adventurous risk takers; they tend to have “big plans” and, in order to enlist the cooperation of others, to make big promises and exaggerate the potential of their venturers. They are also one of the most sociable types, talkative and outgoing, with great self-confidence. They are pragmatic, practical, and competitive and are not overly concerned with pleasing others or with putting up with what they perceive as weakness or inefficiency. They are more openly aggressive and confrontational and less likely to back down from a fight.
THE EIGHT WITH A NINE-WING: THE BEAR
Healthy. People of this subtype combine strength, self-confidence, and determination with quiet roundedness and a certain laid-back quality. They are noticeably steadier in the pursuit of their aims and are not as openly aggressive or as easily perturbed as other Eights. While they also want to be independent, they want to do so at their own pace. The ability to reassure and calm others enhances their capacity for leadership.
Average. People of this subtype generally like to live quietly and unobtrusively, preferring to control their affairs from behind the scenes. They also tend to speak slowly and to be highly attuned to the nonverbal cues and body language of others—friendly while secretly sizing people up. When they lose their tempers, the explosion comes suddenly and violently, and then is gone.
THE SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE EIGHT
The Survivor. In the average range, Self-Preservation Eights are the most no-nonsense kind of Eights. They focus intently on practical matters and on “bringing home the bacon” so that they will have enough money and power to ensure their well-being as well as that of their loved ones. They are the most domestic Eights, enjoying the privacy of their homes; but whether male or female, they definitely insist on ruling the roost. Self-Preservation Eights tend to worry about protecting their possessions and investments. Indeed, even within their homes, they can be extremely territorial about their personal belongings. In the unhealthy range, Self-Preservation Eights can become bullies and thieves, justifying their destructive behavior by the belief that they are “toughening up” others. At the very least, they often feel justified acting selfishly, going after their needs without regard for consequence of for others’ feelings.
THE SOCIAL INSTINCT IN THE EIGHT
Gusto and Camaraderie. In the average range, Social Eights express their intensity through the powerful bonds that they make with others. Honor and trust are big issues for them, and they enjoy making pacts with those who have proven themselves trustworthy. Social Eights will do anteing for the few that they care about. They enjoy hosting social events, wining and dining their friends, and sharing adventures with “real people.” They also enjoy debates about politics, sports, or religion—the more heated, the better. Lower in the Levels, Social Eights may take friends for granted or reject them over a disagreement. They can easily feel betrayed and tend to hold grudges longer than most. In the unhealthy range, due to feelings of rejection and betrayal, Social Eights can become extremely antisocial loners. They are often reckless and self-destructive and are particularly prone to substance abuse.
THE SEXUAL INSTINCT IN THE EIGHT
Taking Charge. In the average range, Sexual Eights are the most quietly intense and charismatic kind of Eights. They are passionate about whomever they care about and want to feel that they have had a major impact on the lives of those in their sphere of influence. They have a sly sense of humor and enjoy being “bad.” Sexual Eights can be deeply loving and devoted, but they can also see intimacy as a struggle for control or an opportunity to build their self-esteem. Lower in the Levels, they demand loyalty, consistency, and attention and have little tolerance for wandering interests in the other. In the unhealthy range, Sexual Eights can attempt to completely control and dominate their partner. They are extremely jealous, seeing the other as a possession.
THE WAKE-UP CALL FOR TYPE EIGHT: STRUGGLING FOR SELF-SUFFICIENCY
Eights feel they need to protect themselves—which can become a fear of dependency of any kind. Because Eights do not feel that they can look at others for support or help without losing their autonomy, they tend to feel at war with the world. Eight generally do not like working under others, preferring instead risk and adventure of running their own activities. As long as Eights feel that they are in control of their situation, they are able to relax.
PROMPT: PUSHING AGAINST THE WORLD
Begin to notice when you are using more energy than is necessary for any task or activity. When you are opening a door or holding something, notice how tightly you grip it. When you work, sweeping or scrubbing or using tools, could you use less force and still be effective? When you are speaking to someone, listen to your voice. What is the exact economical amount of energy you need to express what you want to say?
THE SOCIAL ROLE: THE ROCK
Average Eights start to see themselves as the Rock, the strong and impregnable one, the foundation for others in their family or professional circle. Consciously or unconsciously identifying themselves with the strength and immovability of a rock has benefits, reinforcing their self-confidence and can-do spirit, but it also means that Eights must suppress their weaknesses, self-doubts, and fears. The more treated or stressed Eights are, the more touch and aggressive they become. Lower-average Eights feel entirely justified in taking a hard line with others. They see themselves as someone who is just trying to survive in a tough, cold world.
PROMPT: RECOVERING INTIMACY
Identify at least one area in your life—a relationship, a place, a time—in which you do not feel the need to be tough. Observe yourself in this setting or with this particular person. How does it feel? How is it different from other areas of your life?
LUST AND “INTENSITY”
Eights want to feel strong and autonomous; simply put, they want to feel solid and alive. Thus, the traditional Passion of lust (their “Capital Sin”) complete them to act in ways that stimulate feelings of aliveness, leading them to live intensely. Ironically, the more they push themselves, the less energy they have to connect either with themselves or with anyone else. Ultimately, the more they push, the less real sense of being they have. Intensity only begets the need for more intensity. There is also something of the daredevil in average Eights. They may not be race-car drivers or big-game hunters, but all Eights get hooked on the intensity and adrenaline rush of taking on a challenge and beating the odds. A further irony arises with lust in relation to control. As we have seen, Eights want to feel that they are in control of their situation. But being in a grip of lust is the antithesis of control: lust is a reaction to something outside the self that inspires it. To lust after a person or an object is to be under its power, whether it is lust for money, a sexual partner, our power. As with all the types, the Passion is a distortion that ultimately brings the opposite of what they type truly wants.
PROMPT: GETTING WORKED UP
Part of the reason you like to get into competitions and take risks is because of the sense of aliveness you get from these activities. How is this different from the sense of aliveness you get from relaxing? Can you consciously relax more right now? What does this do to your sense of yourself?
THE PRICE OF RUNNING THINGS
Being practical-minded people, average Eights usually have some kind of dream for themselves, usually involving a money-making scheme, a business venture, or the stock market. Not all Eights have a lot of money, but most are looking for some kind of “bug break” that would give them the independence, respect, and bargaining power that they typically want. While they have the satisfaction of being in control, they put a heavy burden on themselves to run everything.
Eights like to get into intense discussions—even arguments—and passionately push home their point, only to be surprised that others have been hurt by their forcefulness. Many Eights express their connection with others through sexuality and physical contact. Or they may show affection by roughhousing or getting into verbal sparring. Average Eights do not want people to know how much stress they are under, however. They try to handle all of their problems without telling anyone about them or at least not to the extent of them. They tend to overwork, living on adrenaline and stress, and are unwilling to take steps to manage their stress until they are forced to by their deteriorating health.
PROMPT: DENYING YOUR TENDERNESS
Eights put themselves under tremendous pressure to provide for others, to be strong for them, to never cry, show weakness, doubt, or indecision. Explore the various circumstances in which you have put yourself under this kind of pressure. Who were you doing it for? Was the outcome worth the effort? What do you think would have happened if you had been a littler easier on yourself?
SELF-IMPORTANCE AND BEING “LARGER THAN LIFE”
When average Eights fear that others do not recognize how much energy they are expanding to “run thing,” they put people on notice about who is in charge. Average Eights want others to know that they are “big shots” and can get things done. The size of their empire is not as important as the fact that it is theirs—and that they are running things.
PROMPT: RETIRING THE BIG SHOT
You pride yourself on being direct and truthful. How truthful are you being when you are trying to impress or overwhelm people? Does getting people “in line” this way make you feel more or less comfortable with yourself? Can you think of more effective ways of gaining the support and cooperation of others?
SELF-ASSERTION VERSUS AGGRESSION
Eights like straight talk and become suspicious when others seem to be beating around the bush, which is why the communication style of some of the other types can be a problem for Eights. They have difficulty understanding why others are not so forthright as they are. At the same time, some other types are confounded by how audacious and forceful Eights can be. Eights discover boundaries by testing them. The more insecure Eights are, the more likely they will be to aggressively assert themselves, ironically creating more resistance and less cooperation in others. When Eights feel threatened and insecure, they can become explosive and unpredictable. Fearing that others will defy them or get an advantage over them, more troubled Eights begin to impose their will indiscriminately.
PROMPT: FEELING YOUR INSTINCTIVE ENERGY
The next time you feel reactive in a situation, try a little experiment. Instead of acting on your impulse, stop, breathe deeply, and see how the energy of the impulse moves inside you See if you can follow it. How long does it last? Does it change over time? Does paying attention to it bring up other feelings? Take one of your hands and gently touch the area where you most feel the energy? What happens?
CONTROL AND RELATIONSHIPS
Eights’ fears of being controlled are easily triggered; as a result, they may feel controlled even when nothing out of the ordinary is being asked of them. The more dysfunctional their childhood background, the more control Eights will require in order to feel protected. For dysfunctional Eights to feel strong and in control of their situation requires more and more “proof” that this is so. Left unchecked, the desire for control can cause Eights to see significant others as possessions. They begin to view those who depend on them as impractical and weak and therefore unworthy of respect or equal treatment.
PROMPT: WHAT IF SOMEONE DID THIS TO ME?
Remember an incident in which you pressured someone to do something against his or her will. Can you now think of a way in which you could have gotten what you needed or wanted differently? Was what you were after legitimate? What would it have been like if the other person had simply given you what you were after without your having to pressure them? Similarly, recall times when someone attempted to press you. How did their methods influence your desire to cooperate with them?
DEFIANCE AND REBELLION
Even as small children, Eights can show remarkable resistance to authority. More troubled Eights have a chip on their shoulders and tend to confront and intimidate others to get their way.
PROMPT: COSTLY TRIUMPHS
Many of the Eight’s health and relationship problems have their roots in not wanting to back down, give in, or appear afraid. In your Inner Work Journal, answer the following questions: In what early incidents did you see yourself as refusing to yield or concede to others? Can you remember any incidents from your school years, and from more recent times? How did the incidents make you feel physically? Emotionally? Psychological? (Be as specific as possible.) What did it take to let you know that you had “won” the contest? What did the other person have to do first? How did this make you feel? For how long?
REACTING TO STRESS: EIGHT GOES TO FIVE
When Eights have bitten off more than they can chew, they may go to Five, effectively retreating from conflicts to strategize, buy time, and gather their strength. At such times, Eights may become solitary figures, spending many hours brooding, reading, and gathering information so that they can better size up the situation. Like Fives, they can become deeply preoccupied with their plans and projects—staying up late working, while avoiding others and being secretive about their activities. They can also seem strangely quiet and detached, which often comes as a surprise to those who are ore used to their more assertive, passionate qualities. Feelings of rejection may also lead Eights into some of the darker aspects of Type Five. They can become extremely cynical and contemptuous of the beliefs and values of others.
Warning Signs:
-Paranoid feelings of being betrayed by “their people”
-Increasing social isolation and bitterness
-Lack of conscience and empathy; callous hard-heartedness
-Episodes of rage, violence, and physical destructiveness
-Plotting vengeance and retaliation against “enemies”
-Seeing self as an “outlaw”; involvement with criminal behavior
-Episodes of striking back at society (sociopathy)
Potential Pathology: Antisocial Personality Disorder, sadistic behavior, physical violence, paranoia, social isolation
PRACTICES THAT HELP EIGHTS DEVELOP
-Get in touch with your feelings. Vulnerability lets others know that they matter, that they care about them. No one is suggesting that you walk around with your heart on your sleeve, but denying your hurt or acting it out is not the solution.
-Grief work is very helpful for Eights. You are not the kind of person to sit around feeling sorry for yourself for long, but if you are suffering, it is important to find constructive ways of grieving your losses and hurts. That tough shell of yours got there for a reason. Maybe it’s time to explore what some of the reason were.
-Find people you can really trust, and talk with them about matters that are eating at you. Don’t presume that others do not want to hear about your feelings or your troubles.
-Take some quiet time to restore your soul. Although your type would not be among the first in line for a class in meditation, quiet, centering practices are tremendously helpful to reduce your stress levels.
-Eights work hard and they play hard. A little restraint on the intensity levels in both departments can help ensure that you will be around longer to enjoy your life in deeper and subtler ways.
-Examine your expectations of rejection.
BUILDING ON THE EIGHT’S STRENGTHS
Eights are people of action and practical intuition. They have vision and derive great satisfaction from being constructive. Eights are able to see possibilities in people and in situations. A key work for Eights is empowerment. Honor is also important to healthy Eights: their word is their bond. They speak directly and without subterfuge. They will not change when others do not appreciate their honesty. Eights want to be respected, and healthy Eights respect others and the dignity of all creatures. They feel personally hurt by any violation of the needs and rights of others, and injustice causes healthy Eights to respond viscerally and to take action. They will step in and stop a fight to protect the weak or disadvantaged, or to even the score for those who they feel have been wronged.
Control, in a healthy Eight, takes the form of self-mastery. On a deeper level, control is not really a healthy Eight’s ultimate goal; rather, it is the desire to have a beneficial influence on people and on their world. Balanced Eights understand that this kind of influence comes from true inner strength. They recognize that controlling situations or people is actually a form of imprisonment. Real freedom and independence arise through a much more simple and relaxed relationship with their world. Healthy Eights are magnanimous or big-hearted, possessing a generosity that allows them to transcend their self-interests.
THE PATH OF INTEGRATION: EIGHT GOES TO TWO
Eights become actualized and remain healthy by learning to open their hearts to other in the manner of a healthy Two. For Eights to be able to embrace their bigness of heart, they must first gather the courage to reveal it. This requires that they trust in something beyond their own wits and power—and that, of course, requires letting go of many of their fundamental defenses. The path for letting down their defenses and getting in greater contact with their hearts. Integrating Eights make outstanding leaders because they clearly communicate their profound respect and appreciation of other human beings. They are also effective because, like healthy Twos, they recognize boundaries and limits—especially the latter.
As Eights are able to allow their vulnerability to surface, they learn to come to Presence again and again and gradually let go of their self-image of always needing to be strong and in control.
In their deepest self, Eights remember the simple joy of existence: the exquisite satisfaction of being alive, especially at the primal, instinctive level. They still have some degree of contact with the purity and power of the instinctual responses and remind us that these, too, are part of the Divine order. Without a real connection to the wellspring of our native instincts, we are cut off from the basic fuel we need for our transformation. The Essential core of the Eight cuts through the falsehoods and niceties of the personality, bringing forth a simple, unself-conscious embodiment of truth.
When Eights give up their own willfulness, they discover the Divine Will. Instead of trying to have power through the assertion of their egos, they align themselves with Divine Power.
Eights also remember omnipotence and strength that comes from being a part of the Divine reality. The Divine will is not the same as willfulness. As Eights understand this, they end their war with the world and discover that the solidity, power, and independence that they have been seeking are already here. They are a part of their true nature as they are part of the true nature of every human being. When they experience this deeply enough, they are able to relax fully into Being, feeling effortlessly at one with the world and with the unfolding mystery of life.
Self-image: “I am assertive, direct, and resourceful.”
Healthy Range
Level 1: Self-Surrendering, Heroic
Level 2: Self-Reliant, Strong
Level 3: Self-Confident, Leading
Average Range
Level 4: Pragmatic, Enterprising
Level 5: Self-Glorifying, Dominating
Level 6: Confrontational, Intimidating
Unhealthy Range
Level 7: Ruthless, Dictatorial
Level 8:Megalomaniacal, Terrorizing
Level 9: Sociopathic, Destructive
TYPE NINE: THE PEACEMAKER
The Healer, The Optimist, The Reconciler, The Comforter, The Utopian, Nobody Special
Basic Fear: Of loss and separation; of annihilation
Basic Desire: To maintain their inner stability and peace of mind
Superego Message: “You are good or okay as long as those around you are good or okay.”
The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent
Type Nine the Peacemaker because no type is more devoted to the quest for internal and external peace for themselves and others. They are often spiritual seekers who have a great yearning for connection with the cosmos, as well as with other people. The issues encountered in the Nine are fundamental to all inner work—being awake versus falling asleep to our true nature; presence versus entrancement, tension versus relaxation, peace versus pain, union versus separation.
We have sometimes called the Nine the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves—a strong sense of their own identity.
Nines demonstrate the tendency to run away from the paradoxes and tensions of life by attempting to transcend them or by seeking simple and painless solutions to their problems. They must remember that the only way out is through.
THE CHILDHOOD PATTERN
When their childhoods were more troubled, young Nines learned to cope by dissociating from the threatening and traumatic events around them and by adopting the role of Peacemaker or Mediator during family conflicts.
The feeling is, “If I show up and assert myself, I am going to create even more problems, so if I stay out of the way, the family will stay together.
Nines grew up feeling that having needs, asserting themselves, getting angry, or creating difficulties for their parents was not allowed. In adulthood, their psychic space is so crowded with the issues and agendas of the people whom they are trying to accommodate that they are often unstable to hear the voice of their own needs or desires. They also learned to repress anger and their own will so completely that they became unconscious of even having anger or a will of their own. They learned to adjust and go along with whatever life or others presented to them. Seldom did it occur to them to ask themselves what they wanted or thought or felt. As a result, it usually takes some digging for Nines to get in touch with what they want for themselves.
THE NINE WITH AN EIGHT-WING: THE REFEREE
Healthy. People of this subtype mix the ability to be agreeable and to comfort others with endurance and strength. They are also practical and are typically concerned with their immediate needs and physical and financial circumstances.
Average. These people enjoy socializing and good times and are more attracted to losing themselves in sensuality and comforting routines that interfere with their ability to stay focused on significant goals. They can be stubborn and defensive, tending to dig in their heels and refusing to listen to anyone.
THE NINE WITH A ONE-WING: THE DREAMER
Healthy. People of this subtype are imaginative and creative, often able to synthesize different schools of thought or points of view into a vision of an ideal world. They are particularly good at nonverbal forms of communication (art, instrumental music, dance, sports, or work with animals and nature) They are typically friendly and reassuring but have a distinct sense of purpose, especially about their ideals. They often make good therapists, counselors, or ministers, balancing nonjudgmental listening with the desire to be of help to others.
Average. They want order as a way of giving order to their internal world. People of this subtype tend to get caught up in nonessential activities and busy-ness. They are less adventurous and more reserved than people of the other subtype, expressing anger with restraint and smoldering indignation. There may be a puritanical streak to them, as well as a prim and proper, perfectionistic quality to their personal style.
THE SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT IN THE NINE
The Comfort Seeker. In the average range, this variant is the pleasant, easygoing Nine who does not ask much from life. Self-Preservation Nines prefer simple pleasures that are readily available. They are usually not ambitious. although they may be quite talented. They generally deal with anxiety by getting involved in busywork—puttering and routines—and may use small tasks to avoid dealing with bigger projects. Nines’ inertia shows up most clearly in this variant. Apathy and self-neglect can cause Self-Preservation Nines to have difficulty mobilizing themselves to obtain what they really want or to take care of their genuine self-preservation needs. They do not want their pleasant moods to be disturbed by others and other resist others simply by not responding to them, remaining stubbornly silent.
THE SOCIAL INSTINCT IN THE NINE
One Happy Family. In the average range, these are the Nines most interested in bringing people together and in making peace. They like to be involved with others, to be part of whatever is going on, but they also resist having too many expectations placed on them. They can be surprisingly conventional and conformist, in the sense that they will meet the expectations of their social circle, but they are also anxious about losing their identity, of becoming a “clone” or an appendage of someone else. Insecurities about their worth plus their desire to please and fit in also cause Social Nines to have difficulty saying no to people. In the unhealthy range, Social Nines can become resigned and depressed about their lack of development. Their neediness and intense insecurity are usually masked by emotional flatness.
THE SEXUAL INSTINCT IN THE NINE
Merging. In the average range, Sexual Nines want to take on the energetic qualities of the other, often gravitating to aggressive types. They tend to be sassier than the other two variants, and their anger can be easily aroused if they feel that their connection with others is threatened. They seek a complete partnership, thinking of it as “our life” rather than “my life.” Compliments to the other are compliments to the self; the same is true for insults or disappointments. The other becomes the center of gravity, the axis of the Sexual Nine’s identity. In the unhealthy range, Sexual Nines become dissociated and depressed and seem to lack a core self.
THE WAKE-UP CALL FOR TYPE NINE: GOING ALONG WITH OTHERS
Beginning in the average Levels, Nines experience the temptation to be overly accommodating to others because they fear that if they get into conflicts with people, they will lose their connection with them. Nines get into the habit of saying yes to things that they do not really want to do. The Nine’s resentment usually causes passive-aggressive behavior—agreeing to do something and then not doing it—which ultimately creates much greater conflicts and misunderstanding with others. Their accommodation also puts them in danger of being taken advantage of since they are willing to pay a high price to keep the peace. Accommodation and self-effacement mark the beginning of Nines’ “disappearing act.” Rather than assert themselves and run the risk of alienating others, Nines begin to disappear into conventional roles, as well as hide behind platitudes and slogans.
PROMPT: SAYING “YES” WHEN YOU MEAN “NO”
Think of times in which you went along with the plans, preferences, or choices of others and submerged your own choices. What did this do to your sense of involvement? To your contact with yourself and your experience? Did you resent having to go along? How did you dispense with your own choice? What did you hope to gain by doing so?
THE SOCIAL ROLE: NOBODY SPECIAL
They feel that their presence, opinions, and involvement do not really matter and are of no particular consequence. As confining as this is from one point of view, Nines find comfort in this self-definition—it allows them to minimize their own hopes and expectations so that they will not be frustrated or feel rejected, angry, or disappointed. They may also believe that because they are humble and self-effacing, life will never present them with sorrow or tragedy. Unfortunately, things do no always work out this way, and by putting themselves last in line, Nines tend to court a certain amount of loneliness and depression.
PROMPT: I’M WORTH IT
Make a list of the things in your life that excite you. Don’t edit yourself. What kind of person would you be if you could? What steps could you take today to become more like that person? This week? This year?
SLOTH AND SELF-FORGETTING
They might be extremely busy at work or running a business or a household. Their sloth is internal, a spiritual sloth that makes them not want to be deeply touched or affected by reality. The sloth is thus a sloth in self-remembering and self-awareness. Nines hold on to certain comfortable inner states or identify with something beyond themselves, in effect, diffusing their awareness so that the full impact of mortality does not touch them.
UNSELF-CONSCIOUSNESS AND NUMBING OUT
Nines create and maintain their sense of identify by being unself-conscious, by not being too aware of themselves as individual persons. All of the other types do something to create and maintain their sense of self—for instance, Fours constantly dwell on their feelings and inner states, and Eights constantly assert themselves in various ways. By contrast, Nines create their identity by not being directly aware of themselves. Instead they focus on their relationship with others. They also do not see that they are laying groundwork for a self-fulfilling prophecy: the disengagement of average-to-unhealthy Nines will eventually bring about the very thing they fear most—loss and separation from others.
PROMPT: CHECKING OUT
Whenever you become aware that you have “checked out” and have been unself-conscious for any note-worthy period of time, think back to what circumstances preceded your checking out. What seemed to be threatening you in some way that made you want to remove yourself from the scene? Did the threat seem to be only in the environment, or to be a state or reaction in yourself? As you become aware of what you uncover, use this information as an early warning system to help prevent you from becoming shut down in the future.
MOVING INTO THE INNER SANCTUM
They seek to create and maintain an Inner Sanctum, a private place in their minds that no one can tamper with. Nines withdraw to this Inner Sanctum in times of anxiety and upset, or even when conflicts merely threaten. The more they inhabit their Inner Sanctum, the more Nines lose themselves in hazy daydreaming. Obliviousness to what is going on around them gives them the illusion of peace and harmony, but they are increasingly absentminded, which only frustrates others and makes Nines less productive and capable.
PROMPT: EXPLORING THE INNER SANCTUM
Your Inner Sanctum is calm, peaceful, and safe, but living there comes at a high price, as perhaps you are beginning to understand. Can you identify moments when you shift your attention into your Inner Sanctum? What are the elements or qualities of your Inner Sanctum that make it a safe haven for you? What are its unrealistic elements? Become more clear in your own mind about how much you would gain if you could stay engaged in the real world more often rather than seek sanctuary in your Inner Sanctum.
IDEALIZING OTHERS IN RELATIONSHIPS
Nines idealize others and live through a handful of primary identifications, usually with family and close friends. Idealization allows Nines to focus on someone else rather than on themselves. Idealizing Nines are often attracted to stronger, more aggressive people, looking to them to supply the “juice” in relationships.
PROMPT: FINDING YOUR HIDDEN STRENGTHS
Whenever you idealize someone in a relationship, notice what qualities about the other person you tend to focus on. Are these qualities that you feel you are missing in yourself? Remember that in your Essential nature, you already have these qualities—and that, from this point of view, the other person is simply acting as a reminder to you of what is blocked in yourself. Your idealizations can therefore act as a trustworthy guide for your own Inner Work to uncover and claim more of your own positive qualities.
LIVING BY FORMULAS OR A “PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE”
Average Nines increasingly rely on a “philosophy of life,” which is usually a mixture of homey aphorisms, common sense, scriptural texts, and proverbs, as well as folks saying and quotations of all kinds. Many of the philosophies embraced by average Nines offer solace. (“I am god.” “All is One.” “Everything is love.”) Without requiring any effort, they can then become excuses for further disengagement and passivity. Less healthy Nines may use spirituality to defend a kind of fatalism, accepting negative or even damaging situations as if there were nothing that they could do about them. (“It’s God’s will.”)
PROMPT: AIRTIGHT PHILOSOPHIES
Whenever you “catch yourself in the act” of thinking or saying some kind of aphorism or proverb, notice two things. First, note what unpleasant or negative feeling you are using the saying to counteract. Can you move your attention into your body and become aware of whatever sensations you are feeling? Second, begin an exercise in which you see how the proverb is not true—that perhaps the exact opposite of it could be called for. Perhaps the real truth lies somewhere in the middle.
STUBBORNNESS AND INNER RESISTANCE
Even though Nines tend to be accommodating, they have an inner core of stubbornness and resistance, a desire to not be affected by anyone or anything they see as threatening to their peace. Others may see such Nines as passive, although they internally harbor enormous strength and determination—in service of being left undisturbed. While many Nines do not want to be changed or influenced by others, less healthy Nines also do not want toe affected by their own reactions to events. While many Nines do not want to be changed or influenced by others, less healthy Nines also do not want to be affected by their own reactions to events. This includes not only negative emotions but, ironically, positive ones as well. Allowing themselves to get too excited about something can be as threatening to their emotional stability as a legitimate disaster. Their patience has turned into grim endurance, life is to be gotten through, not to be lived, and certainly not to be actually enjoyed.
PROMPT: STOP POSTPONING YOUR LIFE
Take a few moments in your Inner Work Journal to inquire about the many different ways in which you postpone showing up more fully in your life. Where and how do you typically hit your snooze button? Are there particular conditions that trigger this behavior? At home? At the office? With particular people or circumstances? What conditions do you require to wake up?
SUPPRESSED ANGER AND RAGE
Lower-average Nines seem not to have an aggressive (or even an assertive) bone in their bodies. Underneath their outward appearance of contentment and neutrality, however, we often find a great deal of hidden anger and resentment that Nines do not want to acknowledge, much less deal with. Once Nines become aware of it, repressed rage can save as the very fuel they need to escape their inner inertia. Less healthy Nines have the tendency to become “doormats” and to passively suffer whatever others dish out Feeling. powerless is one of the most powerful causes of suppressed rage. We often think of anger as something negative. But the less understood positive side of it is its ability to sweep away to blockages that keep us locked in our old patterns. There is a salutary side to anger which might be called holy anger—the ability to put one’s foot down, too raw a boundary, and to defend themselves. Much recovery work for Nines involves getting in touch with how clamped down their energy is and with allowing themselves to feel their anger.
PROMPT: INTEGRATING YOUR ANGER
You need to practice being okay with being angry and with seeing anger as a force that you have a legitimate right to experience and exercise. From a spiritual point of view, anger gives us the ability to say no—to protect ourselves from something we do not want to have in our lives. It will therefore be helpful if you could start by allowing yourself to say no to the things that you really do not want. If you feel guilty or fearful as a result, just note those reactions and stay calm and centered. Be mindful, however, of learning to say no in meaningful, legitimate situations: but if you err, err on the side of overdoing no-saying, at least for a while, until you become more practiced at it.
REACTING TO STRESS: NINE GOES TO SIX
Nines go to Six, investing themselves in ideas or relationships that they believe will give them more security and stability. When worries and anxieties surface, Nines focus intensively on work and projects. Also like Sixes, Nines under stress may bring up long-hidden complaints about others and their lot in life.
Warning Sings:
-Denial of serious health, financial, or personal problems
-Obstinacy and long-standing resistance to getting help
-General awareness and vitality dampened and repressed
-A sense of inadequacy and general neglectfulness
-Dependency on others and allowing themselves to be exploited
-Chronic depression and emotional flatness (anhedonia)
-Extreme dissociation (feeling lost, confused, deeply disconnected)
Potential Pathology: Dissociative Disorders, Dependent and Schizoid Disorders, anhedonic depression, extreme denial, severe long-term depersonalization
PRACTICES THAT HELP NINES DEVELOP
-While real humility is an admirable trait in human beings, it is not one that you have to work at. Learn to discriminate between genuine humility and the tendency to discount yourself and your abilities. If there is an energy that is needed to restore a balance on this troubled globe, it is certainly the calm, healing, reconciling energy of healthy Nines. Know that when you are truly connected to yourself, you have all the power and capacity you need for whatever situation you face.
-Learn the value of the word no. It is quite natural to not want to disappoint others, but when you are presented with a proposition that you are uncomfortable with, it is better to make your misgivings known at the outset rather than silently acquiescing and regretting it later.
-Learn to recognize what you want from a given situation. And don’t be afraid to pursue the option you prefer when it arises. Remember that you are allowed to have wants.
-Take a tip from healthy Threes and invest time and energy in developing yourself and your talents. Make sure you do not shortchange yourself by neglecting your own development. Everyone will benefit from a stronger, more fully actualized you.
-Learn to recognize and process your anger. It is only through anger that you will connect with your own inner power—it is the fuel that will burn away your inertia. Learn to sense your anger in your body. What does it feel like? Where does it register most strongly in your body?
BUILDING ON THE NINE’S STRENGTH
Nines’ patience is supported by a quiet strength and tremendous endurance. They are able to “hang tough” through hardships and difficult experiences. When they are healthy, Nines are able to work steadily and persistently toward their goals and often achieve them. Healthy Nines are also highly effective in handling crises because they have an extraordinary inner stability. The little ups and downs of life do not knock them off balance. Healthy Nines are extraordinarily inclusive of others. Although Nines are clearly interested in supporting others, they are not identified with the role of the Rescuer or the Helper. They are forgiving and give others the benefit of the doubt, always looking for the positive interpretation of a situation. Nines think holistically and desire to maintain a sense of being at one with the universe.
THE PATH OF INTEGRATION: NINE GOES TO THREE
Nines become actualized and remain healthy by learning to recognize their own Essential value, like healthy Threes. They work at developing themselves and their potential and put themselves out in the world, letting others know what they have to offer. The biggest obstacle to their self-actualization is their tendency toward inertia. But as they integrate, they will find their energy increasing, and with it their charisma. As they recognize their own value, others appreciate them more as well. Integrating Nines are able to assert themselves as they need to, understanding that self-assertion is not the same as aggression. Further, their resistance to reality falls away, making them more flexible and adaptable to circumstances.
Ultimately Nines reclaim their Essential nature by confronting their Basic Fear of losing connection and by letting go of the belief that their participation in the world is unimportant—that they do not have to “show up.” They realize that the only way to truly achieve the unity and wholeness they seek is not be “checking out” into the realms of the imagination but by fully engaging themselves in the present moment. When Nines stay with themselves and are able to integrate their anger, they begin to feel the stability and steadiness that they have been seeking. From this platform of inner strength, actualizing Nines become indomitable forces, graceful and powerful and aligned with the Divine will.
EMERGENCE OF ESSENCE
Nine’s purpose in life, from an Essential point of view, is to be a living reminder of the spiritual nature of reality and, consequently, of the underlying unity of our true nature. Another Essential quality of the Nine is “Holy Love,” a dynamic of Being that flows, transforms, and breaks down all barriers before it. This is why real love is frightening—it entails the dissolution of boundaries and the death of the ego. Yet as we learn to surrender to the action of Holy Love, we reconnect with the ocean of Being and realize that at our core, we are this Love. We are this endless, dynamic, transforming Presence of loving awareness, and it has always been so.
Self-image: “I am steady, easygoing, and kind.”
Healthy Range
Level 1: Self-Possessed, Indomitable
Level 2: Unself-conscious, Peaceful
Level 3: Unselfish, Comforting
Average Range
Level 4: Self-Effacing, Agreeable
Level 5: Disengaged, Complacent
Level 6: Resigned, Appeasing
Unhealthy Range
Level 7: Repressed, Neglectful
Level 8: Dissociating, Disoriented
Level 9: Self-Abandoning, “Disappearing”
PART III: TOOLS FOR TRANSFORMATION
CHAPTER 16 THE ENNEAGRAM AND SPIRITUAL PRACTICE
Combing knowledge of the Enneagram with spiritual practice consists of:
1. Becoming present and aware as much as possible throughout the day
2. Seeing your personality in action
3. Not acting out your impulses
Analyzing what we find is not as important as awareness, relaxing the body and not acting out.
First, does the practice assist us to become more mindful, awake, and open to our lives—or is it actually supporting our cherished illusions about ourselves, even negative ones?
Second, does it support us in exploring some of the uncomfortable aspects and limitations of our personality?
Third, does the path encourage us to think for ourselves?
Anything done with attention can become the basis for a spiritual practice if it grounds us in our body, quiets our mind, and opens our heart.
SEVEN TOOLS FOR TRANSFORMATION
Seeking Truth. If we are interested in transformation, no element is more important than developing a love of truth. Seeking the truth means being curious about what is going on in ourselves and around us, not settling for the automatic answers that our personality feeds us. If we observe ourselves, we will see that many of the stock explanations that we give ourselves for our behavior or for the actions of others are a form of resistance. They are a way of avoiding seeing more deeply into our current state. While our automatic reactions can derail our search for the truth, acknowledging their presence brings us closer to the truth.
“Not doing.” The process of transformation sometimes seems paradoxical because we speak of struggle and effort as well as of allowing, accepting, and letting go. The resolution of these apparent opposites lies in the concept of “not doing.” Once we understand “not doing,” we see that the real struggle is to relax into greater awareness so that we can see the manifestations of our personality. By neither acting on our automatic impulses nor suppressing them, we begin to underwent what is causing them to arise.
Willing to Be Open. One of the primary functions of the personality is to separate us from various aspects of our own true nature. It causes us to limit our experience of ourselves by blocking from awareness why parts of ourselves that do not fit our self-image. By relaxing our bodies, quieting the chatter in our minds, and allowing our hearts to be more sensitive to our situation, we open up to the very inner qualities and resources that can help us grow.
Getting Proper Support.
Learning from Everything. Once we have involved ourselves in the process of transformation, we understand that whatever is occurring in the present moment is what we need to deal with right now. And whatever is arising in our hearts or minds is the raw material that we can use for our growth.
Cultivating a Real Love of Self. One central aspect of a mature love of ourselves is caring about our growth sufficiently that we do not flee from the discomfort or pain of our actual condition. We must love ourselves enough not to abandon ourselves—and we abandon ourselves to the degree that we are not fully present to our own lives. True love of self also entails a profound acceptance of ourselves—returning to Presence and settling into ourselves as we actually are without attempting to change our experience.
Having a Practice. The important thing is to set aside some time each day to establish a deeper connection with our true nature. Regular practice serves to remind us over and over again that we are hypnotized by our personality. A major obstacle to regular practice is the expectation that we will attain a specific result. Breakthroughs occur only when we are completely open to the present moment, while anticipating a certain payoff distracts us from such experiences. Procrastination is a great defense of the ego. The only time to use the tools of transformation is now.
“I WILL BECOME PRESENT TO MY LIFE ONLY WHEN…”
1. “I have attained complete balance and integrity, make no mistakes, and have everything in my world sensibly organized. When I have achieved perfection, then I’ll show up.”
2. “I am loved unconditionally by others and feel their love. When others totally appreciate my affection and sacrifices and meet all of my emotional needs, then I’ll show up.”
3. “I have accomplished enough to feel successful and worth-while. When I have all the admiration and attention I want and feel completely outstanding, then I’ll show up.”
4. “I have completely resolved all of my emotional issues and have found my true significance. When I am completely free to express all of my feelings with everyone whenever I want, then I’ll show up.”
5. “I feel completely confident and capable of dealing with the world. When I have completely understood and mastered everything I might need to know in life, then I’ll show up.”
6. “I have enough support to feel completely secure and stable. When I have every area of my life handled and nothing can take me by surprise, then I’ll show up.”
7. “I am totally happy and fulfilled and certain that I’ve found what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. When I feel completely satisfied, then I’ll show up.”
8. “I am totally independent and do not have to rely on anyone for anything. When I feel completely in control of everything and my will is never challenged, then I’ll show up.”
9. “I am completely at peace and without conflicts or problems. When nothing in the world bothers or upsets me, and everyone in my world is happy and at peace, then I’ll show up.”
THE PAYOFFS OF PRACTICE
1. Patience
2. Self-Respect
3. Authenticity
4. Inner Calm
5. Trust
6. Confidence
7. Groundedness
8. Magnanimity
9. Vitality
WORKING WITH THE SUPEREGO
The superego is the “internalized voice” of our parents and other authority figures, both old and new. Its original function was to make us behave in ways that we believed would keep our parents loving and protecting us. We might call these spiritual superego or the therapy superego. Instead of berating ourselves with the voices of our parents, we berate ourselves with the voices of Buddha or Jesus or Muhammad or Fried or our therapist! In fact, one of the biggest dangers that we face in using the Enneagram is our superego’s tendency to “take over” our work and start criticizing us, for example, for not moving up the Levels of Development or going in the Direction of Integration fast enough. The more we are present, however, the more we will recognize the irrelevance of these voices and successfully resist giving them energy. Eventually, they lose their power, and we regain the space and quiet we need to be receptive to other, more life-giving forces within us.
HEALING ATTITUDES FOR THE TYPES
1. Maybe others are right. Maybe someone else has a better idea. Maybe others will learn for themselves. Maybe I’ve done all that can be done.
2. Maybe I could let someone else do this. Maybe this person is actually already showing me love in their own way. Maybe I could do something good for myself, too.
3. Maybe I don’t have to be the best. Maybe people will accept me just the way I am. Maybe others’ opinions of me aren’t so important.
4. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe others do understand me and are supporting me. Maybe I’m not the one one who feels this way.
5. Maybe I can trust people and let them know what I need. Maybe I can live happily in the world. Maybe my future will be okay.
6. Maybe this will work out fine. Maybe I don’t have to foresee every possible problem. Maybe I can trust myself and my own judgements.
7. Maybe what I already have is enough. Maybe there’s nowhere else I need to be right now. Maybe I’m not missing out on anything worthwhile.
8. Maybe this person isn’t out to take advantage of me. Maybe I can let down my guard a little more. Maybe I could let my heart be touched more deeply.
9. Maybe I can make a difference. Maybe I need to get energized and be involved. Maybe I am more powerful than I realize.
RELAXATION
Perhaps the most important technique for getting in touch with the body and its energies is learning how to relax so that we can make deeper contact with each moment. Many of us confuse numbness with relaxation, when in fact they are polar opposites. We may think that if we do not feel any soreness or tension, we must be relaxed. However, when our muscular tension is severe and long-standing, our body deals with it by numbing the muscles in question. Paradoxically, the more relaxed we become, the more we realize how tense our bodies actually are. This can be confusing, because our first experiences of relaxation will cause us to feel more uncomfortable. Our liberation requires that we stay present to whatever we find—including our tensions. How do we know if we are truly relaxed? The answer is surprisingly simple: we are relaxed to the degree the we can experience sensations from all parts of our body in the present moment. To the degree that we do not experience the sensations of our body, we are tense and are not present. To be relaxed is to feel an uninterrupted flow of sensation through the body, from the top of our head to the bottom of our feet. Relaxation entails having full awareness of the self and the environment—to be in the river of Presence and Being. We fully occupy our body: we experience both the front and back of it and everything in between. But make no mistake—this kind of freedom, relaxation, and flow are the result of many years of consistent practice.
THE ART OF “NOT KNOWING”
One of the main tools for entering into the vivid immediacy of quiet mind is “not knowing.” Ordinarily, our minds are filled with all kinds of opinions about who we are, what we are doing, what is important and not important, what is right and wrong, and how things ought to turn out. Because our mind is full of opinions and old thoughts, it has no internal space for a fresh impression of the real world around us. We learn nothing new. This also prevents us from really seeing other people—especially the people we love. “Not knowing” involves suspending our opinions and letting our curiosity within the realm of quiet mind take the lead. When we stop depending on the mental strategies that our egos have adopted for our survival, our “not knowing” becomes an invitation—a magnet that attracts higher knowledge to us in ways that can rapidly transform us.
OPENING THE HEART
Change and transformation do not—and cannot—occur without emotional transformation, without the heart being touched. An open heart enables us to participate fully in our experiences and to connect in a real way with the people in our lives. From our hearts, we “taste” our experiences and are able to discern what is true and valuable. In this respect, we might say that it is the heart, not the mind, that knows.
HEALING OUR GRIEF
The more suffering we carry from our past, the more rigid and controlling our personality structures will be, but they are not invincible. And despite what we may believe, our pain, though severe, can be relieved if we are willing to explore it a little at a time. Our Essence supports us in this difficult process of exploring the pain and fear underlying our personality. Whenever we are willing to explore the truth of our immediate experience without conditions or judgements, the Essential quality of compassion naturally arises and healing follows. Compassion is not the same as sentimentality or sympathy of self-pity. Rather, it is an aspect of Divine love that melts all defenses and resistance when anyone’s suffering is really seen. There is nothing the personality can do to create compassion, but when we are willing to be completely open and truthful about whatever we are truly feeling, it arises naturally and soothers our hurt. (We could say that truth without compassion is not really truth, and that compassion without truth is not really compassion.)
How can we let go of hurts and resentments that bind us to our old identities and prevent us from moving on with our lives? We cannot simply “decide” to forgive, any more than we can “decide” to be loving. Forgiveness arises from our Essential nature and comes from a deeper understanding of the truth of our situation. It entails recognizing what is happening in ourselves and others at a deeper level than we have previously seen. It requires that we fully experience the depth of our resentment, hatred, and vindictiveness and our desire for revenge—without acting out these impulses. By exploring the background of our feelings about the person with whom we are angry and seeing precisely how these feelings are manifesting in us right now, we begin to loosen the structures that hold our resentments in place. Presence fills us an releases us from our bondage to the past.
THE ENNEAGRAM OF LETTING GO
1. See It -At point One, with the support of Presence, we are able to “See it.” We see that we are identified with something. We recognize that we are stuck in some mechanism of our personality and that we have been in a trance.
2. Say It - At point Two, we consciously name the state we have just recognized. We “Say it”. We simply and honestly name whatever state we are in.
3. Sense It - At point Three, the process shifts from our minds to our bodies. We “Sense it.” At point Three, we sense this tension—we do not think about it or visualize it—we simply sense what it feels like right now.
4. Stay With It - At point Four, we “Stay with it.” We stay with the sensation of the tension or energy we have located in our bodies. If we do not stay with the tension, our state will not be released. Moreover, if we are able to stay with it underlying feelings of emotional pain or anxiety may begin to arise. If this occurs, we need compassion for ourselves so that we will be able to stay present to these feelings. We do not want to spend time with the pain of our tensions. Yet without doing so, any extraordinary experiences we have will have little real effect on how we live our lives.
5. Relax - At point Five, if we have gone through the first four steps, we will feel something opening in us and tensions dropping away. We “Relax.” We will feel lighter and more awake. We do not force ourselves to relax; rather, by staying with our tension and our sensations in point Four, we allow the process of relaxation to unfold in us. Relaxation is not becoming numb or limp. We know we are relaxing when we experience our body and our feelings more vividly and more deeply. Just as physical tensions dissipate when we sense them, stay with them, and relax, so do whatever emotional patterns that were creating them. The action of bringing both tensions and emotional patterns into the light of awareness dissolves them.
6. Respire - At point Six, we remember to breathe. We “Respire.” It simply means being more aware of our breath. We allow the relaxation from point Five to “touch” our breathing. This is important because the more we are engaged with the concerns of our personality, the more constricted and shallow our breathing is. As our breathing becomes deeper and more relaxed, the pattern of our tensions continues to shift. We do not try to escape from whatever comes up for us emotionally but continue to breathe through it. As we do this, we may begin to feel the sense of ourselves expanding. We may feel more “real,” more centered.
7. Reconnect - At point Seven we “Reconnect” with a fuller sene of ourselves and the world around us. We start letting other sensory impressions come into our awareness. We might being to notice sunlight on a wall, or the temperature and quality of the air. Reconnecting means opening up to whatever part of our experience we were not previously allowing in. We discover that when we really connect with our experience, it does not have our usual associations attached to it. Suddenly we see and we hear, and we sense, internally and externally, with greater clarity.
8. Reframe - At point Eight, we “Reframe” the situation that we believed was causing our problems. We see our entire situation in a more objective light, and from this place of balance and clarity, we discover a way to handle it more effectively.
9. Presence - Finally, we return to Point Nine, where we open to more Presence and, with it, increased awareness. From this increased capacity it is much easier to go through these nine steps again if we need to.
THE ENNEAGRAM OF LETTING GO
It proceeds through the nine steps corresponding to the nine points around the circumference of the Enneagram, although these steps are not directly related to the personality type. The process always begins with point Nine, to which we have assigned the quality of Presence. Unless we have some degree of Presence, we will not be able to take even the first step. We must complete each point before we area able to move on to the next, and that the process is cumulative: we bring the qualities of the previous steps with us as we move to each new stage.
At point One, with the support of Presence, we are able to “See it.” We see that we are identified with something. We recognize that we are stuck in some mechanism of our personality and that we have been in a trance.
At point Two, we consciously name the state we have just recognized. We “Say it”. We simply and honestly name whatever state we are in.
At point Three, the process shifts from our minds to our bodies. We “Sense it.” At point Three, we sense this tension—we do not think about it or visualize it—we simply sense what it feels like right now.
At point Four, we “Stay with it.” We stay with the sensation of the tension or energy we have located in our bodies. If we do not stay with the tension, our state will not be released. Moreover, if we are able to stay with it underlying feelings of emotional pain or anxiety may begin to arise. If this occurs, we need compassion for ourselves so that we will be able to stay present to these feelings. We do not want to spend time with the pain of our tensions. Yet without doing so, any extraordinary experiences we have will have little real effect on how we live our lives.
At point Five, if we have gone through the first four steps, we will feel something opening in us and tensions dropping away. We “Relax.” We will feel lighter and more awake. We do not force ourselves to relax; rather, by staying with our tension and our sensations in point Four, we allow the process of relaxation to unfold in us. Relaxation is not becoming numb or limp. We know we are relaxing when we experience our body and our feelings more vividly and more deeply. Just as physical tensions dissipate when we sense them, stay with them, and relax, so do whatever emotional patterns that were creating them. The action of bringing both tensions and emotional patterns into the light of awareness dissolves them.
At point Six, we remember to breathe. We “Respire.” It simply means being more aware of our breath. We allow the relaxation from point Five to “touch” our breathing. This is important because the more we are engaged with the concerns of our personality, the more constricted and shallow our breathing is. As our breathing becomes deeper and more relaxed, the pattern of our tensions continues to shift. We do not try to escape from whatever comes up for us emotionally but continue to breathe through it. As we do this, we may begin to feel the sense of ourselves expanding. We may feel more “real,” more centered.
At point Seven we “Reconnect” with a fuller sene of ourselves and the world around us. We start letting other sensory impressions come into our awareness. We might being to notice sunlight on a wall, or the temperature and quality of the air. Reconnecting means opening up to whatever part of our experience we were not previously allowing in. We discover that when we really connect with our experience, it does not have our usual associations attached to it. Suddenly we see and we hear, and we sense, internally and externally, with greater clarity.
At point Eight, we “Reframe” the situation that we believed was causing our problems. We see our entire situation in a more objective light, and from this place of balance and clarity, we discover a way to handle it more effectively.
Finally, we return to Point Nine, where we open to more Presence and, with it, increased awareness. From this increased capacity it is much easier to go through these nine steps again if we need to.
CHAPTER 17: THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY—ALWAYS NOW
If we are—
1. accepting of our limitations and the limitations of others (from Type One),
2. self-nurturing and unconditionally affirmative of the value of everything (from Type Two),
3. authentically being ourselves with honesty and humility (from Type Three),
4. renewing ourselves and enhancing the quality of life for ourselves and other (from Type Four),
5. seeing the deeper meaning and context of all of our thoughts and actions (from Type Five),
6. solidly grounded in reality and able to courageously handle whatever arises (from Type Six),
7. joyous and grateful in the face of death, loss, and change (from Type Seven),
8. large of heart and forgiving (from Type Eight),
9. and all-embracing and solidly at peace no matter what life hols (from Type Nine)
—then we can be sure that we have made process on our path.
SUBCONSCIOUS FEARS OF DROPPING THE PERSONALITY
The underlying reason that many of us fear becoming present is because we intuitively understand that doing so entails becoming less attached to our particular ego agendas. Thus, each of the three Triads has a characteristic false belief about the necessity of continuing its ego projects, along with a subconscious fear of what will happen if these projects stop. These fearful beliefs will show up repeatedly as obstacles to Presence—as “reasons to not let go of whatever we are identified with. The following are some of the subconscious fear associated with each Triad:
The Instinctive Triad: (Eight, Nine, One)
“If I let down my guard and relax into the flow of life, I will disappear. The familiar “I” will cease to exist. I cannot protect my sense of self if I am truly open. If I really let the world in and allow it to affect me, I will be overwhelmed and lose my freedom and independence. I will be annihilated.”
The Feeling Triad: (Two, Three, Four)
“If I stop identifying with this image of myself, my worthlessness will be revealed and I will lose the possibility of experiencing love. Deep down, I suspect that I am a horrible, unlovable person, so only by maintaining this ego project do I have any hope of being welcomed into the world or of feeling good about myself.”
The Thinking Triad: (Five, Six, Seven)
“If I stop this strategy, if I stop figuring out what I need to do, the ‘ground’ will not be there to support me. The world cannot be trusted—without my mental activity I will be left vulnerable. Everything will fall to pieces—I will fall and be lost. If my mind does not keep ‘swimming,’ I will sink.”
EXCAVATION AND RECOVERY OF THE TRUE SELF
First Stratum: Our Habitual Self-Image
This first stratum is composed of ideas and images of who we would like to be and how we automatically see ourselves. It usually contains a degree of grandiosity and illusion. In the trance of personality, we seldom question these deeply held assumptions about ourselves, and we react easily and powerfully when others question or fail to support our view of ourselves.
Second Stratum: Our Actual Behavior
If we enter the path of Inner Work and stay with the process of self-observation, we begin to notice that many of our behaviors are inconsistent with our habitual self-image. This realization allows us to attain the second stratum, in which we begin to “catch ourselves in the act.”
Third Stratum: Our Internal Attitudes and Motivations
If we persist on the path, we will begin to notice the attitudes and motives that lie behind our behavior. What is causing us to do the things we do? At this stratum, we also see the depth of our learned behaviors and habits, and how many of them stretch back for generations within our family and our culture.
Fourth Stratum: Our Underlying Affects and Tensions
As we become more deeply aware of ourselves in the present moment, we begin to discover what our felt experience is at that moment. If we are able to develop our ability to observe ourselves sufficiently, we will become aware of subtle layers of muscular and energetic tensions in our body, as well as areas in our body where our energy is blocked or absent. Relaxation and breathing become more important here. Stratum 4 requires considerably more ability to stay present to the sensation in the body than do any of the previous strata.
Fifth Stratum: Our Rage, Shame, and fear and the Libidinal Energies
If we are able to stay with the processes we uncover in stratum 4, we will encounter more primitive—and possibly more disturbing—emotional states as we continue to go deeper. These include the three “master emotions” of the ego: anger, shame and fear, which govern the Instinctive, Feeling and Thinking Triads, respectively. In this stratum that we encounter the primitive instinctual energies (the basis of the Instinctual Variants) in their raw form...self-preservation, social connection and sexual drive. Primal affects of attachment, frustration, and rejection can also be recognized here. Traditional psychotherapy tends to end at this stratum.
Sixth Stratum: Our Grief, Remorse, and Ego Deficiency
This stratum has nothing to do with guilt of the usual feelings of sadness and loss that we experience in our everyday lives. Rather, the heart-trending sorrow and natural remorse we encounter here come from the clear perception of how deeply and completely we have been separated from our Essential nature. This stratum therefore entails a considerable amount of “conscious suffering” that the seeker willingingly allows for the sake not only of progress but of truth. The suffering experienced at this stratum is purgative in the purest sense of the word, burning away the last remaining illusions of the ego as they are clearly seen in the list of Essence and truth.
Seventh Stratum: Emptiness, the Void
This stratum has been described in many of the Eastern religious traditions, especially Buddhism. At this stage, we fully realize that our personality is nothing but a temporary fabrication, a story we have told ourselves for a long time. To leave the familiarity of our ego identity nevertheless feels like stepping into nothing, like walking off the edge of the world. This stratum is experienced by the personality as its end, its death. What appears to the personality as “nothing” reveals itself as everything, the “shinning Void.” (called Sunyata in Zen) from which everything emanates. It is completely empty and yet full of potentiality. There is no longer a distinction between the observer and the observed: experienced and experiencer are one.
Eight Stratum: True Personal Being
Within this state of emptiness, paradoxically, we still experience ourselves as personal beings, functioning effectively in the world, but our identity is centered in Essence and our actions are guided by Divine awareness rather than by the projects and preoccupations of our personalities. The individual self experiences an ecstatic realization of the Divine.
Ninth Stratum: Nonpersonal, Universal Being
Little can be said about this state since it cannot be described in words; all phenols, no matter how subtle or exalted, arise from it.
The Buddhists say, “There are no holy people or holy places, only holy moments.”
It is thus not what we do that makes the difference, but the quality of awareness that we bring to the moment.
We want intimations of the Divine, evidence of all that we have hoped for or have been taught.
If we stick with our practice and continue to seek the truth of the situation, we come to realize that the sublime states are not extraordinary; nor do they indicate that we are more “special” than other human beings. Rather, we begin to understand that we are simply glimpsing reality. It is as fundamental as the sky and the sea—inextricable from human life. We realize that our vision is coming into focus and the we are now experiencing reality as it truly is. But because this reality allows us to experience our love, value, wisdom, and strength directly, we see that we no longer have to strive after these things; thus, we are no longer attached to specific possessions or outcomes.
What I usually took to be the ground of reality—the everyday world—was indeed real but was more like the play of sunlight on the surface of the ocean. I could see the shimmering reflections on the waves but also aware of the depth of the ocean beneath and knew myself to be at that depth.
We are free to accept the greatest and most precious gift of all: the unfathomable mystery of our Being, our very existence.
THE STAGES OF THE WORK
If we were to really observe ourselves,
We would become aware of our tensions and habits.
If we were to become aware of our tensions and habits,
We would let go and relax.
If we were to let go and relax,
We would be aware of sensations.
If we were to be aware of sensations,
We would receive impressions.
If we were to receive impressions,
We would awaken to the moment.
If we were to awaken to the moment,
We would experience reality.
If we were to experience reality,
We would see that we are not our personality.
If we were to see that we are not our personality,
We would remember ourselves.
If we were to remember ourselves,
We would let go of our fear and attachments.
If we were to let go of our fear and attachments,
We would be touched by God.
If we were touched by God,
We would seek union with God.
If we were to seek union with God,
We would will what God wills.
If we were to will what God wills,
We would be transformed.
If were were transformed,
The world would be transformed.
If the world were transformed,
All would return to God.
